It's Saturday already. I can't believe this week has gone by so fast. I am officially sick now. I have felt like crap the lst few days, maybe even weeks now, and the scratchy throat has now turned into what feels like shards of glass in my throat...yay.... I hate being sick. I take it like a baby, I'll be the first to admit it. I swear I catch everything in my path. So now I am sitting under a blanket, trying to type without my blanket falling off me. I'm a sight.

I got to see my Dad today. He comes down on the weekends. He works in Roanoke during the week and comes down on the weekends to stay with Mom and my brother. I don't knwo how long he can keep up this job, but he's still doing it. He is probably the hardest working man I have ever known. Right now, he is putting in a new stair case for my Mom at their house. Becaus ethe one she has is not nice enough for her. I really don't want to get into mom bashing right now, because I don't feel like typing that much. I love my Mom dearly, we just are so different that it is like night and day. My Dad and I are two peas in a pod. We are so alike, we can tell what each other is thinking, without saying a word. Most people say that the more alike you are, the more you fight. I have to say that is not our case. Neither of us are confrontational people, we would rather drop it, (unless we are really fired up) and we have a mutual understanding that if it ever comes to that, we walk away first, then come to talk. It's never been ne of those things we agree on, it's just a given. Anyway, I am really glad I got to see my dad. He really brightens my day.

My dog Holly is sick. She is laying here at my feet panting. I feel so bad for her. She has acted weird for a few days, and I just thought it was her natural weirdness. (she is a very, hmm....let's say hollow behind the eyes kind of dog) But she has started this panting and now she is having little pee pee accidents, and she is having trouble going pee pee. I think she has the dreaded bladder infection, or worse, STONES. I myself am a big kidney stone sufferer and god knows I don't wish it on my dog. So we're off to the vet on Monday. I am trying ot talk my brother into taking her in to work with him to the vet clinic so it will save me from taking the kids out in the cold.

Speaking of being sick, since I'm on a roll...Chandler is sick now. I think it is just a cold though. Nothing like what Gracie had. He has no fever at all. Just a nasty cold. He doesn't handle being sick well either. I feel so bad for him, he just can't tell what hurts. It's so unfair. I'm so proud of him though, now that he is able to crawl on to the couch all by himself. He can get off the floors when he gets cold. It used to be that he was always so cold and we had to lift him onto the furniture to keep him warm. It's like he knows how warm it can get him, and he walks ( on his knees) to every peice of furniture possible and gets up on it. I could talk about my kids all day long.

I'm really pleased with the PW girls for the baby shower we pulled off. I think Lesley worded things beautifully, and it worked out just great. Now if Jennie would show up. I'm getting a little worried that something may be wrong. I am so greatful for those ladies and the support that we all have there.

Well, It's Chandler's bedtime. Good night all.

I did it!!

I cannot believe it but after several hours of working on it, I made my first blinkie!! I am so proud of myself. For those of you who can make them with no problem, good for you. But I am a little computer "illiterate". I am learning, but very slowly. So have a look-see, it's up there. I know, it's kind of primitive, but who can go wrong with their own name? I really want to learn to make some more, so it looks like I'll be in front of this box all weekend.

Here's me.... 

Am I even ovulating??

I had to go to the eye doctor today. I was having trouble with distances, and I explained to him what the problem was. But here lately, I have been getting headaches after I spend time on the computer. So he checked me out, and the whole time I was petrified of the glaucoma "puff" test....turns out they don't do that anymore. Now there is no puff, just this blue light that comes right up to your eyeball. Whew! What a relief! Now for the fun news, I don't seem to have too much of a problem to need glasses for distance. Instead I got READING GLASSES. I am so shocked. I just bought an inexpensive pair of of half "granny" glasses. So all day I have been using them at the computer, and reading and then I forget and look up, and whoa! I never knew how bad it could mess up your vision to look around the room with reading glasses. So instead of the headche I normally have, now I am nauseas from looking through these freggin magnifying glasses. Nice.

The schools were closed today because it snowed. Of course, it was Daniel's morning to get Chandler up and on the bus, and he "forgot" to look outside to see if it was snowing and got poor Chandler up and dressed at 6 am. Then after the bus was 15 minutes late, he decided to come wake me up to ask why he might be late. Talk about starting your day off on the wrong foot. Good morning, hun, LOOK OUTSIDE DAMMIT!!

I got Daniel to take a picture of me with my haircut and glasses, so don't laugh. Well, you can laugh, I won't hear it. But keep it to a minimum. My ears are sensitive. Be gentle.

I can't be on line tonight, it's good TV night. Gotta watch The Apprentice and ER. I am a sucker for TV. Speaking of, does anyone watch General Hospital? Is it not EXCELLENT lately? There for a while it got pretty boring to where I was watching maybe once a week, now I can't miss one episode, not one! I think Lucky is just way too cute. But he is about due for a hair cut. Wake up, Lucky! Come out of the coma PLEASE!

It seems like most of the girls on PW are in the 2WW now. I am just now ovulating. I think. My question is, I have no CM. What's up with that? I know when we first started TTC, I could tell just by the CM and nothing else, but now, I can't seem to have CM when I think I should be ovulating. So am I crazy? Should I go with some kind of OPK's or should I start charting? I have been scared to chart simply because I know then that I will stress even more than I am now, and we all know what stress does. I seem to be pretty anal about things, and it scares me to think I would have to get up at a certain time every morning to chart my temperature. I know without a doubt that it will be on my mind when I go to bed and I won't be able to sleep, and then I will wake up at all hours of the night wondering if I should be up charting. Crazy, I know. The OPK's are not cheap either. Between those and HPT's I am about broke. Any suggestions?

Here's Gracie, Reese and Holly. Unfotunately, Gracie can't seem to stay on her feet long enough to get the upper hand. But I can still see the smile behind the binky. 

This is Gracie and Reese playing. 

Adventures in puppy sitting

I had to watch my brother's puppy all day today. It really makes me want to re-think getting a young puppy. She was good, don't get me wrong, but they chew on everything, pee all the time, and don't listen to anything! But we made it through the day with no accidents in the house, which pleased me. I took some pictures as you can see. Gracie is a little rough on the puppy, let's just say that.

I think I am getting ready to ovulate!! I sure hope this is the month. Wouldn't it be great? I could get pregnant and never worry about trying to conceive again! To be real honest, the trying has gotten old, and now I am just to the point where we have sex and if it works, it works. Is that bad of me? I just can't stand those negative HPT's anymore. I take it way too personally when I get a negative. I go through the whole thought process of whose fault it might be, and that is totally not fair of me. That is not the way it should be.

I am slowly coming down with a cold...or something. It's been coming on for a few days now. Just get here already...OR GO! Preferrably go. I'm achy all over and can't get warm enough. And my tonsils feel huge. Nice. Gracie is still congested. I am paying for the breathing treatment today... she has been so wild. I hate albuterol. It plays mean tricks on me. She just gets so out of sorts. I feel so bad for kids that have to be on it regularly.

Tomorrow is Daniel's morning to put Chandler on the bus so I get to sleep in!! that is is Gracie doesn't wake up too early. This morning, she was up at 6. I'd atleast like to get in my cup of coffee before she wakes up.

I Should Blog

I guess I should write something since it has been so long. I have been trying to figure out how to post pictures, and thanks to Ally, I can now do that!

Things have been weird around here. Nothing to keep us really busy, but I just have no time. My days are flying by and I am getting nothing done. I think I am coming down with a cold or something. I feel horrible. The last few days I have been so tired, and every time I sit down, I drift off asleep. Then last night, I started to get a sore throat...yay. And to top it off, Gracie is coughing again. So we started the breathing treatments again just to be safe. The last thing I want is for her to get sick again.

I'm trying to write this in bed, and it just is not working. Daniel is snoring so loud, I have no concentration at all. And the dog won't quit licking herself. It's so disgusting. Tomorrow I am dog sitting for my mom. My little brother got a puppy and they are going out of town for the day and who better to watch a puppy than me? I guess I have sucker written on my forehead. The last thing I need is a pooping puppy on my carpet. I just don't have the patience for a tiny little thing like that. She is so tiny, only like 7 weeks old. And she is a mutt, they think a pit bull mix, but I say if she is a pit bull mix, she must be mixed with chihuhua. Her name is Reese, which is not at all easy for Gracie to learn to say. So she calls it puppy.

I have made myself an eye appointment for Thursday. I keep getting these headaches and my eyes are taking longer to focus on things. So I guess I will break down and go. I used to wear glasses way back when but just quit wearing them, and never went back to the doctor. Now I am regretting that. So hopefully, I can get some glasses and be on my way.

On the TTC front, I am still waiting to ovulate, and I am really getting tired of waiting. This cycle is taking so long. I could complain more about it, but I will save you from the misery.

I need to go to sleep. I have an early morning ahead of me. I just noticed that I need to change my avatar now that I cut my hair....hmmm, something to do tomorrow.

It's gonna be a long evening...

Both my kids are in a crappy mood, which in turn puts me in a crappy mood. I don't really understand how kids can be like that. They play, eat, play, eat, play some more then go to bed. How bad would that be?? God, to be a kid again...

Daniel has school tonight, so he won't be home until late, so it should be a long, lonely evening. And of course it's good TV night, so I guess I can throw that out the window, since we'll probably be watching JoJo's Circus.

I got my hair cut last night. I have been considering it for quite some time now. So I finally did it. Got it all cut off. Reeeeal short. I can honestly say I like it. For now...but my taste changes so quickly that I may not like it next week. It is such a drastic change. My husband really didn't think I would go through with it, until I walked in the door last night with it cut and he literally about fell off the couch. (He probably slipped in his puddle of drool as he was trying to sit up)

It turned cold here again today. I am so tired of this weather changing so much. Either get cold and stay cold or get warm and stay warm. I still would love to see some snow, but I doubt that will be happening any more. This winter sucked.

I have to take Gracie back to the doctor tomorrow for her check up. Hopefully, she will be all better and we can go do something outside of this house. Wouldn't that be nice? She certainly seems to be feeling better.

On the PW front, Lesley, I hope your med's do the job and lower your BP and you can work on a BFP next month. Ally, I hope you get your BFP this month after all the BDing. Wouldn't it be great if we all got BFP's next month together? Wow, talk about a birth club. I know I would be out for at least the first 4 months from being sick. That's just how it is. But it would be well worth it. I truly love the IPP names you have come up with. They are so original! Unfortunately, I will be moving on to your board very soon. I do miss you all. Our board just really isn't the same. All the one's that say,
"Oh I've been trying for so long...".
"Oh really, "how long?"
"Oh, 4 months or so..."
UUUGGGHHHHH!!!! I can't take it much longer. I know, I am whining, but really, I get tired of it. Anyway, everyone have a great evening. You will probably all be watching TV tonight.

For dog lovers...

All I Really Need to Know I Learned from my Dog
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on affection and let people touch you - enjoy back rubs and pats on your neck.
When you leave your yard, make it an adventure.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.
Bond with your pack.
On cold nights, curl up in front of a crackling fire.
When you're excited, speak up.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

This was taken from an excellent website for all animal lovers. Click "For dog lovers..."above to be taken to link.

A rather quiet evening

I am sitting here wondering why everyone is so quiet. My husband is whispering every curse word he can think of because at the moment his homework is kicking him in his ass. Honestly, I think it is hilarious. Anyone who "wants" to go to college has to put up with the homework. I on the other hand, opted out of college, and spend my evenings very happily glued to the couch, watching TV and eating everything in sight. My son is sprawled out in the middle of the floor asleep, and Gracie is being, well...let's just say she is painting her high chair tray with mashed potatoes. But hey, as long as they are quiet, right?

Today was so beautiful outside. I would have loved to have been outdoors doing something but I was stuck in the house with a still-sick Gracie. She is still on her breathing treatments every four hours, but she likes it now. When it is over, she rips the mask off and says "gallgone" and then gives us a big kiss. So it is great that she tolerates it now. It makes it so much easier. Although, the Albuterol is making her so wild that she can't even stand herself.

Tomorrow I am going to see about getting a job. Well, a job for Daniel and myself. There is a lady in town that has show dogs and needs someone to come in a tend to her other dogs while she is away at shows, so I am going to see how it looks. Daniel and I dog sat many dogs while we were in Germay along with running the kennel and groom shop. We enjoy it, and it is something we get to do together. But the plus is that she breeds Chinese Crested dogs. See, I had it all figured out that I wanted a Standard Poodle...it was between a Poodle and a Chinese Crested...now I am undecided again. Anyone?? Any opinions??

I have been watching the Westminster Dog Show for the last two nights now. We are in the herding group now, almost over!! Can anyone tell me how many brain cells are doing absolutely nothing while I watch a bunch of dogs run around the green carpet? I know I am probably not the only one watching this show. Indiana, you ARE watching aren't you?? Tell me I am not the only one wasting brain activity.

For those of you at PW, I am tired of it. I know I am complaining alot. But sheesh, there is NOTHING going on. Oh, other than this lady that is trying to sell us on some scam to make money. So I tell her to go take a hike, and she comes back and APOLOGIZES!!! She isn't supposed to do that! Now I feel bad. Oh well, I blame it on my other personality (the Aunt Flo personality). But I mean, really, if we wanted to learn how to make money "fast" we could do a google search or something. But these people think we are not capable of doing anything, so they hit us up at a trying to conceive board?? Get real!

Okay, I have nothing more to complain about, or to ramble aimlessly about. Nighty night.

My Favorite Movies

I have seen several lists of people's favorite movies, and it got me thinking. Do I really have a list of favorite movies? And then they started rolling in... and remember these are in no particular order.

• We Were Soldiers ( I am a true Vietnam fan, my Dad was a pilot)
• The Bridges of Madison County (A real woman struggling to find herself)
• Something To Talk About ( I love Julia Roberts)
• Lord of the Rings ( I loooove Elfboy a.k.a. Orlando Bloom, as I stated in a prev. post)
• Pearl Harbor
• What's Eating Gilbert Grape ( A movie Daniel and I saw on a date when we first met)
• 50 First Dates ( I adore Adam Sandler...isn't he cute?)
• The Fox and the Hound ( I will always love the "roo roo roo")
• Shrek ( for the bubbles in the water)
• Fly Away Home

I may have to add to the list, so watch for additions.

"Pampered Paws Groom Shop" For those of you interested in what my groom shop looks like, here it is. We have still been working on some more final touches, but I am very pleased with the outcome.

Here is Gracie in the hospital. Notice the big puffy feet from all the fluids, aren't they cute?  

Sleepy Sunday

I should be sleeping right now. I am so behind on my sleep, I could fall over. The kids are napping and Daniel is at work, and I am sitting in front of this box. I think I have decided to get a new computer. The one I have is okay, but it wants to crash or lock up every other hour. It gets so frustrating. I hve learned how to pamper it, so things don't go wrong, but it still wants to crash. It's old, and I need to face it. I hate Daniel's laptop, but I may go with one, instead of a desk top. This thing just takes up too much room.

I think I have decided to cut my hair. I have been growing it out for over a year now, but I am so sick of it. I think I am going to go really short this time. I need some kind of change. And if I don't like it, oh well, it's hair, it'll grow back. Daniel used to never want me to cut my hair when we were first married. Now he doesn't seem to have much of an opinion. I think it makes him as crazy as it makes me, to spend over an hour washing and drying my hair. He likes to leave spur of the moment and I need lots of notice. I am scared to death, but if I can get a babysitter, I am going to this week.

Chandler is going on another field trip this week. The last one must have been a success. They are going to the public library, and I don't know how he will feel about that. If he is made to be quiet, he won't like it at all. He like noise, and lots of it. Everyone in this house has learned to sleep through just about anything, since he likes to get loud at night, when everything else gets quiet.

I'm on CD 3 now, and I am feeling a little better. The first two days were terrible. My cramps were making me crazy, and I felt like I was coming down with the flu. I can't get over the fact that I have been trying to get pregnant this long. Time really flies when you look at it from this perspective. To think that I was trying to make it by my 30th birthday and now, I am just trying for any ol' day. Now I am looking at November to December for my next baby. And I really didn't want a November or December baby. Gracie is November, and right at Thanksgiving, and December is just so tied up with Christmas holiday, that it wouldn't be fair. I think a January baby would be nice. January is a slow time of year and we all get depressed because nothing is going on. Am I crazy? To be thinking of when would be a good time to have a baby? I guess I'm not. There are other people who time their pregnancies. But don't get me wrong, if I found out I was pregnant, I will be thrilled for ANY DAY.

Now that I have rambled on about nothing, I am going to sleep. Atleast until the kids wake me up.
Nighty~night!

The week of suck...

It seems like forever since I have been on here, so I have some catching up to do. My daughter was put in the hospital on Monday, and we were sent home yesterday...finally! She is getting better, slowly. She is now on all kinds of medications and breathing treatments every four hours. Her final diagnosis was walking pneumonia. Her antibiotics were not working the whole first week she was taking them, because they thought it was viral pneumonia. So now she is on the correct medicine for bacteria.

I know this year is the year of the rooster, so I have officially named my week the week of suck. It has been so bad, and so long. I am glad it is almost over. Gracie did so well at the hospital, and I am so proud of her. I have to say I was scared out of my mind she was so sick. But we made it, and wer're home. I really don't want to go into great detail about her hospital stay, I really just want it out of my mind.

I went to catch up on the PW board, and nothing is happening! It is like our board has almost died since the over a year girls left. I hate it now. I mean there are still some girls on there that are supportive, and they do post some, but it is so slow now. Sad enough, I got AF yesterday, so I am out for this month. I was reading in Lesley's Blog that she fears she may be going through a time where she backs off of TTC. I can totally understand where she is coming from. I am really contemplating giving up trying and just seeing what happens. It is taking such a toll on us both that we are getting sick of the disappointment. So we'll see. And I know we cannot afford to go to the doctor now since Gracie's sickness, that bill will probably set us back.

Valentine's Day is coming up, and i have nothing planned. I am such a bad Mom. Daniel and I usually don't do much for the day, but I haven't even done anything for the kids yet. It may just be brownies. I hope everyone else has a good holiday.

Thanks to you all for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers while Gracie has been sick. It means so much to us to have close friends who think of us. Have a great weekend!

Superbowl Sunday

Okay, so I am not a fan of sports, well except for the rodeo. But this is the Sunday where I usually invite the family over to watch the game on the big screen. Unfortunately, Gracie still has pneumonia, and we are limiting it to just my parents. So the evening will be fairly quiet so she does not get too excited and can keep her heart rate and breathing steady. I usually just watch the game during the commercials, just to know what all the news is about tomorrow. You know how it is talked about for days after the game.

The weather is beautiful here. So pretty that I would love to be outdoors working, but instead I am keeping the house nice and warm for the kids. I take Gracie back to the doctor tomorrow for hopefully what will be a final checkup. I hope we get good news that she is recovering well.

I want to say again how happy I am for Wyoming who had her baby on Friday. A late night for them! But I am sure it was all worth it. I am so anxious to talk to her and get the scoop on how great it was to have a baby. I miss you all so much.

Not a lot of news on the home front. So I'll keep from boring you all. Have a great Sunday!

The Little One Is Here!!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS HARRIS FAMILY!

Your little girl has arrived!

February 4, 2005

We are so happy for you!

Enjoy your little blessing from above.

Give her tons of kisses from us all.

An update

I took Gracie back to the doctor today for a check up. It turns out she is not doing any better. But I had to drag her out in the snow with pneumonia for the doctor to tell me she is still sick. She had to get two shots, and we go back tomorrow for a third shot. She was a champ, she took them real good. I mean, don't get me wrong, she cried real hard, but as soon as it was over, she threw her arms up for me to hold her and she sobbed her little heart out. And then I started. How come we can go through so much pain, and keep it together, but when our children hurt, my heart hurts. Literally, my heart ached for her, I wanted so badly to take it all away from her. And the nurses have gotten to know me pretty well, they make me lay across Gracie's chest and "hold her down" which is their code for giving me something to do so I don't A: vomit or B: pass out. They know me very well. Doctors get pretty pissed when people pass out at the sight of needles. I know, I'm lame, and after two kids and what felt like thousands of IV's for fluids during the pregnancies, I should be very used to needles, but I'm not. But her oxygen was little low, but not low enough to put her in the hospital, and her heart was racing, which alarmed everyone, so I guess they will check that tomorrow. Boy my insurance company is going to love me.

It's snowing here. A real wet, heavy snow. The roads are not bad, even though there is a lot of sleet mixed in with it. Get this, every county around here is closed, except ours, so my poor little boy is watching the snow fall from a school window. I used to hate those days, watching the snow fall while I was trying to pay atention in class. It makes for a miserable day.

So that's the update on the doctor visit. I am hoping to hear good news from Wyoming, saying she is in labor....I hope?? Take care, all.

It's confirmed...

It has been confirmed that Gracie does have pneumonia. I guess yesterday was my day to be upset and scared about it, now it is my husband's turn. His cousin died from pneumonia, though. So he has every right to be afraid. And no joke, it is nothing to sneeze at, but I can not allow myself to be consumed with worry. Especially when the little sick one is running circles around me. I just wish I had an ounce of her energy, even when she is sick. So she and I are under house arrest for a while. We go to the doctor tomorrow for a check up, so I'll keep you all posted.

Today has been another blah day. I am getting tired of these blah days. I need some spice. Something other than the routine of waking, kids, cleaning, eating, cleaning some more, laundry, baths, bedtime. My dog desperately needs a bath, and the poor thing has been neglected. How terrible of me. But she stinks...like a dog. I go through way too much dog cologne just so she doesn't smell like a dog. Is that weird? Yeah, I guess it is. And she's a beagle for crying out loud! sheesh...

We are supposed to get some snow tomorrow. Although I can't say I believe one word of what they say. But now that Gracie is sick, I don't want it to snow. Spring, come on in! I mean, how fair would it be for me to leave her in the house and I was to go out and play....bad mommy.
She learned a new word today, "okay". She says it all the time now. She is so proud of herself. And it would suit me just fine if she started talking before I go through the trouble of setting up speech therapy.

I had a groom this morning, it was no fun at all. The dog was in such terrible shape, I could have choked the owner. He had sores on him, under his matted hair. And ear mites, I won't even say how bad that was. So I did my best, shaved him pretty short, and sent him on his way. It is so hard to tell owners, "if you would take 5 minutes out of your busy day to brush your pet, they wouldn't be in this pain"....try explaining that! You usually get very angry owners. I totally understand people wanting cute, long haired, frilly dogs, but take care of them, it's the least you can do! Geez, give your kid a hairbrush and let them do it if you can't! I could go on and on about that...

I am a little sad. Today on Pregnancy Weekly, they got a new board set up for the ladies who have been trying to conceive for over a year. I'm sad to see them go. I totally understand they need that board, and soon, I can join them (hopefully I will get pregnant before then) but it will be a very lonely board without them. I am happy that all their voices were heard and it was created, but still....waaaa.....I'm whining now. Okay, bedtime for me. It's been a long day.

My sick Gracie 

My little one is sick...

Is there ever a time that you wish you could take all the pain away from you child? I'm there now. Gracie is sick...real sick. She was not herself at all yesterday while we were grocery shopping, and I simply thought she was just having a bad day. Well, by late evening, she was as hot as a fire cracker. She had a 101 temperature. She layed on the couch with Daddy and watched TV, and moaned. I felt terrible for the poor thing. She coughed all night, too. She is a night cougher, so mostly we just ignore that, but this was the kind of cough where you want to check on them every 5 minutes. So this morning, at 7 she woke up, feeling even hotter than she was and sure enough her fever had gone back up 102.7 this time. I was scared by then. And of course the handy dandy doctor doesn't open until 9, so we gave her Motrin and cartoons, that is a quick fixer upper. I got her in at 10:45 amidst all the snotty, whiny, creepy, sick kids. It turns out that Grace has been so healthy, for over a year now that she is terrified of the doctor. Like she wants to get away from anyone wearing the dreaded scrubs. And the verdict is....we are still waiting on x-rays results to come back to check for pneumonia. Yeah, I am freakin' out. And this is our "overly healthy child". The doctor says it's the viral type so it is contagious which is really bad news for Chandler. So he will probably, most likely get it. Believe me, if I had someone close by, he would be moving out for a few days, just to keep him from getting it. But unfortunately, I have no one. So I am still waiting on the phone call from the doctor to give me the results.

I guess in the middle of my crying and feeling so sad for my baby, I got a smile, and a big sigh of relief. When we took her to x-ray, the nurse asked if there was any remote chance of me being pregnant....I said, "yes, we are trying". Ahhh....I got it out. A stranger, I got to tell someone, and smile about it. It felt good. Then I was back to crying for Gracie.

I am feeling sorry for myself today, I know I shouldn't be, but I am. Maybe it's my way of feeling bad for Grace, but that doesn't make any sense does it? I just feel blah. I don't feel pregnant, and I don't feel aunt flo coming, I just don't feel anything. I told a girl on PW yesterday that I feel numb to this whole trying to conceive concept. It gets to the point where I want to be happy, and optimistic, but I fear being happy and optimistic because of the let down if I get my period. It's a battle of the wills, and the good side is loosing. And I don't really care. Maybe this is what I need to get pregnant, maybe I need to stop caring so much and just go with what happens. hahaha......that's me laughing my ass off at myself. As if I can just go with what happens. Oh well, enough of my whining for today. I hope everyone is good. I miss all my friends so much. I wish I could just have one big pajama party and invite all my friends, and eat as much chocolate as I want to and not worry about a school bus arriving at 6 in the morning, and not worry about how my face will break out and I'll have to up the medicated washes for that, and how much weight I'll gain, and how my heart will beat too fast, geez, I really am a worry wart. Anway, hugs to all my girls out there. I love you all. And frankly anyone who is still coming to this blog to read my daily rantings, you are four star friends in my book! Thank you for being so great!