Holy crapass batman....

For some reason, all of a sudden, I look REALLY pregnant. Not just a little but a LOT. It's like the last two days, my belly is out there and staying...meaning I can't blame it on being bloated. It's just weird to see myself in the mirror now and actually see this child. I have not been in my regular clothes in forever...when I get pregnant, my tummy gets really sore feeling, so jeans or any tight clothes are out for me. So for the last several weeks, I have been in anything with an elastic waist which does wonders for the wardrobe. So I am finally in maternity clothes and dealing with the fact that they are too big.

Yesterday Daniel was off and we went out to lunch together. It was actually the first time I have been out to eat since finding out I was pregnant. It's amajor step for someone who's body tries to reject everything it takes in. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, and made him sit close to the restrooms, but I made it, and I ENJOYED it. We had a great day. It was nice to feel normal again.

I talked to him about my fear of going out in public lately, (he really does not seem to understand) and I tried to explain it the only way I know how. When you feel as badly as I have been feeling, and you have trouble making it to the bathroom or to the bed, or to the refrigerator, when it just literally takes everything out of you to change your childs pamper, it does something to you mentally. It becomes more than a physical challenge, it becomes a psychological challenge. You wake up every morning wondering if you will plagued with sickness or if you can go sit in the sun for 5 minutes and enjoy the warmth of it. You get to the point where you feel as if it is completely and totally taking over your body and your mind. You become afraid of eating anything, you become afraid of your child not surviving from the small amounts of food that you can keep down, and you become afraid that if you don't get a handle on it, it will completely grab you and take you down. Each and every day is a struggle to keep my sanity. Knowing deep in my mind that this is in every way affecting my daughter. She knows how bad I am, how sick I am, and she cries with me when I am really down. She is TWO. It scares me to think that I have scarred her, that I am changing, and it is affecting her view of her hero mommy. I am supposed to be the one who wipes her tears and picks her up off the floor, and be there emotionally for her, but lately, I have let her down. I know I have, I can see it in her eyes. She worries for me, and she wipes my brow, and she walks with me to the bathroom. What 2 year old should have to do this for their mommy? When people come to the door, she tells them, "Mommy s-i-c-k"(with 3 syllables) and walks them to the couch that I am forever stuck to. I have forbidden anyone and everyone to mention the words baby and my sickness anywhere close to the same sentence. She will NOT know that this pregnancy is doing this to me. Not yet, I do not want her thinking when this baby comes that IT made me sick, that it was the reason I changed. That is not fair to the baby. I feel like my struggle to stay sane is much easier some days than others, and yesterday was just the uplift that I needed. I have a lot of anxiety in the first place and this has plummeted me deeper into that black hole than I thought possible. I am slowly, but surely coming out, and I can finally see that light saying everything will once again be alright. And at the VERY end of this tunnel, is my baby waiting to greet me with that first cry, you know, the first cry that no mom ever forgets.

I had to get that off my chest, thanks for listening.