Holy crapass batman....

For some reason, all of a sudden, I look REALLY pregnant. Not just a little but a LOT. It's like the last two days, my belly is out there and staying...meaning I can't blame it on being bloated. It's just weird to see myself in the mirror now and actually see this child. I have not been in my regular clothes in forever...when I get pregnant, my tummy gets really sore feeling, so jeans or any tight clothes are out for me. So for the last several weeks, I have been in anything with an elastic waist which does wonders for the wardrobe. So I am finally in maternity clothes and dealing with the fact that they are too big.

Yesterday Daniel was off and we went out to lunch together. It was actually the first time I have been out to eat since finding out I was pregnant. It's amajor step for someone who's body tries to reject everything it takes in. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, and made him sit close to the restrooms, but I made it, and I ENJOYED it. We had a great day. It was nice to feel normal again.

I talked to him about my fear of going out in public lately, (he really does not seem to understand) and I tried to explain it the only way I know how. When you feel as badly as I have been feeling, and you have trouble making it to the bathroom or to the bed, or to the refrigerator, when it just literally takes everything out of you to change your childs pamper, it does something to you mentally. It becomes more than a physical challenge, it becomes a psychological challenge. You wake up every morning wondering if you will plagued with sickness or if you can go sit in the sun for 5 minutes and enjoy the warmth of it. You get to the point where you feel as if it is completely and totally taking over your body and your mind. You become afraid of eating anything, you become afraid of your child not surviving from the small amounts of food that you can keep down, and you become afraid that if you don't get a handle on it, it will completely grab you and take you down. Each and every day is a struggle to keep my sanity. Knowing deep in my mind that this is in every way affecting my daughter. She knows how bad I am, how sick I am, and she cries with me when I am really down. She is TWO. It scares me to think that I have scarred her, that I am changing, and it is affecting her view of her hero mommy. I am supposed to be the one who wipes her tears and picks her up off the floor, and be there emotionally for her, but lately, I have let her down. I know I have, I can see it in her eyes. She worries for me, and she wipes my brow, and she walks with me to the bathroom. What 2 year old should have to do this for their mommy? When people come to the door, she tells them, "Mommy s-i-c-k"(with 3 syllables) and walks them to the couch that I am forever stuck to. I have forbidden anyone and everyone to mention the words baby and my sickness anywhere close to the same sentence. She will NOT know that this pregnancy is doing this to me. Not yet, I do not want her thinking when this baby comes that IT made me sick, that it was the reason I changed. That is not fair to the baby. I feel like my struggle to stay sane is much easier some days than others, and yesterday was just the uplift that I needed. I have a lot of anxiety in the first place and this has plummeted me deeper into that black hole than I thought possible. I am slowly, but surely coming out, and I can finally see that light saying everything will once again be alright. And at the VERY end of this tunnel, is my baby waiting to greet me with that first cry, you know, the first cry that no mom ever forgets.

I had to get that off my chest, thanks for listening.

A long weekend

It has been such a long weekend. Daniel had to work and the kids are wild. And it just so happens that I am pooped. I spent Friday night at the ER, nothing new. But I did find out that I have a lovely UTI. UGGGHHHH.......So now, on top of being on meds to keep frfom being sick, (that only work when they choose to) and being on prenatal vitamins that make me want to be sick, now I get antibiotics, too! Yay, me. The good thing was that my iron is still looking very good, which is a big shock, since usually by now I am severely anemic and on iron pills.

Lets see if I can name all of my symptoms...
- morning sickness
- indigestion
- bloated
- cranky as hell
- tired all the time
- hairy belly, I know isn't it sick?
- I've gone from a small B cup to a D cup ....W.O.W.
- cranky as hell
- insomnia
- hungry all the time
- thirsty all the time
- headaches every evening
- constipated....are you really still reading?
- cranky as hell
- emotional, crying at the drop of a hat

This is not a complaint list...I want this baby more than anything. I am thrilled to death to be pregnant, but some days the symptoms get a bit overwhelming. I have found myself getting more excited to buy bedding for the little one. I have found several that I like, so once I find out the sex, if I can, then I think I know what I want. I just have to narrow it down to one.

I'm really pissed at my computer right now, because every time I go to scan my ultrasound pics, it says my scanner is not hooked up...whatever. So hopefully, on Daniels day off this week, he can fix it for me. I realize it has been forever since I posted any pictures.

I got an email from an old friend the other day. I had written her to tell her I was finally pregnant....she replied and said that she has me beat by 4 weeks, she is now 16 weeks pregnant!!! Congratulations, Christen!!

Well, that is about it for me. I have to go see what Chandler is doing. Gracie got tired of hearing "Go check on Bubbie"....she eventually starts to ignore me.

Almost there....

I am almost to the 2nd trimester, which I know is no real satisfaction to anyone except for me and my husband (who thinks that the vomiting will magically disappear that night). It's a big moment for us. And scarey, too. The thought of being this far into it, it almost doesn't seem possible. Have I really had my head in the toilet this long????

I am still sick, mostly in the mornings, and some evenings, but I know I am putting on weight and that is a great sign. At least the baby is getting what it needs, whether I do or not. That is what the doctor said, and she wasn't really trying to hurt my feelings, but I told her my concerns that the baby was not getting what it needed and she said that the baby gets first pick of everything I eat, that leaves me with the leftovers. yay. No wonder I feel so hungry all the time.

We had a cookout on labor day and it was so nice. The whole fanily got together, my side, and we pretty much knew this was the last time we'd be cooking out for a while since it is already cooling down outside...yay, fall!! But it was the best day I have had in a long time. And there was a ton of good food, already prepared, that meant very little cooking for me and I loved that even more.

Chandler is back in school now and he seems to be loving it. This year he will be going 5 days a week so that may confuse him a little, but I think it is great that he loves it as much as he always has. Gracie is enjoying her time alone with me, although she constantly asks where Chandler is. She's in a big girl bed , which was much easier to do than I thought. For the first few days we kept her baby bed set up, until it became a problem each night that she wanted to get in it, so we took that down and ever since then, she has done really well. My baby is not a baby anymore.

We're still wondreing where the new baby will sleep. If it's a girl, we'll just double them up in a room, but if it's a boy, we're in for some trouble. Chandler can't have anyone in his room, since he gets up and plays most of the night and we leave the lights on for him. So that is totally out of the question. That, and the thought of someone disrupting his routine is just insane. So that is deep in our brains every day, wondering whether or not to add on to the house, or just close in one of the living rooms and make that a bedroom, which I am opting for, but Daniel will have to get rid of his "favorite" couch then...you all know how men are with their favorite peices of furniture.

Well, that's my update. I'm here, and I'm alive. Take care everyone!