It's finally Friday

This has been an extremely long week for me. It just doesn't want to end. Having two puppies to house train is not making it any easier. I've decided to take everyone's advice and start charting my temp's to help me get pregnant. So far, I have no idea what I am doing. I started charting on Wednesday the 9th. I'm using Fertility Friend, but I also printed out some charts to leave on my night stand...well, the first morning, my temp was so low, there was not even a place for it on the paper....I was wondering if I needed to check myself for a heart beat. So I just started writing down my temps until I can get on the computer after the kids are up. I'm gonna have to do some reseacrh or buy a book and learn about it, because so far it is all a foreign language to me. The hardest part is getting up at 6 am even when I don't have to. I'm a late sleeper so it is very hard on me.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today, which is usually not very good for me. And of course I am watching TLC's "A Baby Story" which is making it worse. I keep wondering if I am the only one who has their entire "baby future" planned out. I know with my first two kids, it went real well. All except for the morning sickness. We won't even get into that. But I mean, seriously, I have all of my pregnancy planned out. The first two times I had baby showers thrown for me, which was very nice, I loved them both. But after two, are you even supposed to get a baby shower? So to make it fair, and fun, I want to throw a "family shower". Something where the men and children are included also. It's always been just the women, and frankly, the women in my own family don't really get along. It's much nicer and more pleasant with the men around. They seem to keep us on a tight leash at family gatherings. But I want to be able to prepare the foods, and decorate in the theme that I want, and include all the children with games and fun. It's only fair since this will be our last child....(of course I said that with the first and the second child). I think I am sticking to my guns on this one. This TTC is really getting to me, it's making me wonder if God truly wants me to have another child, or if he is sparing me from something. I have no idea what the reason is, but my mind does wonder. Just thinking of all the heartache and pain each negative test has brought on, and all the stress being brought into our marriage, I think this will have to be the last one. Anyway, back to he plans. Both of my first children were natural. I want the third to be natural also, but I want to have a midwife. Now I don't know if that is possible now since Chandler has CP, but we'll have to wait it out and see. It shouldn't make me high risk, since it wasn't caused at birth. And I want more people to be included in my pregnancy. My first one was while we were in Germany and the only person really included was Wyoming..she lived in my apartment building and turned into the greatest friend that ever could be. And I really had big plans for my 2nd pregnancy to include more people, but then when I got so sick...AGAIN, I tend to go into a shell for those months and then once the sickness ends, I am like a mouse feeling that everyone has done fine without me for those months, why do they need me now? I know this may sound crazy, okay, it IS crazy, but it's me. But am I really the only one in the world that feels this way? And for those of you who don't know me all that well, when I say morning sickness, I don't mean I get out of bed, puke then go on with my day. I mean, sickness, all day long, everyday for months and months. It really does something to your frame of mind. I become depressed, and worrisome that it may be hurting my baby. Why does God make me go through it? What if I can't even keep water down? Then it's off to the hospital for IV's usually once a week, sometimes more. But I feel like if I am willing and ready to go through this again, why can't I get pregnant? I'm willing to sacrifice sanity for several months, lose weight, puke until there is nothing left of me, and it still won't happen! And of course there is the ever so slight ticking of that damn clock in my head...you know, the one that goes tick tock...tick tock...tick tock...you aren't...tick tock...getting any...tick tock.... younger, Heather!tick...

Before I drive myself insane, I need to change the topic. Our cows got out this morning. Yay, I got to go fix the fence since there are never any men around here. Of course the whole time I was mending the fence I have my (over-opinionated) Mom and Grandfather over my shoulder telling me what I am doing wrong, and how to do it their way. So we are thinking about selling our youngest cow and putting another one in the freezer.

The PW sight is so slow lately, and it only gets worse on the weekends...grrrr....maybe Daniel and I can drive to a mall or something. Anything to get me out of the house. I hope everyone has a great weekend!