Today's Thoughts

I have not really sat down and typed anything of much importance lately. Pretty much just updating so it doesn't look like I am such a slacker, but looking at my posts from the last few months, I suck....

I haven't had a lot going through my brain lately, other than baby thoughts, and for those of you that are pregnant or have been pregnant, the baby really does take your brain, doesn't it? It is almost embarrassing at times when people look at me as if I am supposed to be following along in deep conversation, when actually, I am thinking of how my body hurts and the puddle of drool accumulating on my chest shows how dense I really am. No matter what frame of mind I start the day out in, I tell myself okay, today I will NOT only think baby thoughts, and then WHAM! Here they come. Honestly I used to be able to make more than one thought at a time. Those were the good 'ol days.

I've been thinking aout the holidays lately, and how much of a funk I seem to get in the day after Christmas. I know that is lame, but it's like the day after, I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. The excitement is over, the hustle and bustle is over, and I have nothing to do. And this year I am scared it will be worse since January and February are always such long months anyway, and now I am waiting on this soccer ball to be hatched. I call it my soccer ball, since my body feels like the soccer field, always being played on, kicked, fallen on, you know, just how a field would feel. But I started thinking about it lat night in bed, taht this will be my last pregnancy, the last time I ever feel the sensation of a tiny baby rubbing my belly from the inside, the last time I feel arms and legs flailing about inside, the last time I have a human body growing inside of me. Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking twice about having my tubes tied, I do still feel that this child completes me and the happy little family that we have. But it is almost sad to know that this part of my life will soon be over, and there will be no turning back. After this I will focus on being a mommy to these three kids and never thinking about what if there were to be another? I know, my thoughts are pretty much rambling at this point. I seem to trail off into nothingness lately. No wonder Daniel thinks I've been hitting the crack pipe.

Daniel has to work this weekend, but only a half day on Saturday so I am not to upset over that. Chandler is out of school for the holiday break, and Gracie is eating way too many sweets...need I say more? A three year old popped up on chocolate is not good. End of subject. We plan to have a quiet Christmas morning (as quiet as it can be with two kids ripping into gifts) and then we plan to eat a late breakfast and then go to my Moms and have a late lunch and open gifts. Usually they are pretty stress free days, lets hope for the best this year also. I never understood families that run from hous eto hous eto house on Christmas day. We made a promise to each other when we had children that every Christmas, they would wake up in their own home and not have to wonder if Santa would find them or not. That is just my opinion....

I have noto been back to the Pregnancy Weekly TTCOAY board in forever, let me rephrase that, I visit, I just lurk. I don't comment. I am scare dthat my "blinkies" will offend someone, and I don;t know how to take them off just to make simple posts on occasion. I know things got bad there when the burst of pregnancies happened, and it's a shame that people did not handle it well. I felt like we all had a great bond there with what we had going on in our lives, and then once people started getting pregnant, it all changed. It seemed so unfair that a few of us had gotten the special gift that we had all been striving for for so long, and then we were abandoned. We were made to feel bad for finally having our dreams come true. I wish to God every day thatthose ladies could become pregnant, and have their dreams come true, I wish that for them every day. Anyway, I simply wanted to say that I miss that friendship that I once had.

Now that it has taken me all of the day to write this and keep coming back with what I would like to call a fresh mind, I guess I should close this never ending blah. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. And thanks for reading all the way through my mindless rambling.