It rains!!!!

It finally rained here last night...the first rain we have had in what seems like forever. Leftovers from Cindy, but we'll take what we can get at this point. It gives me a break from carrying water to the garden, that's for sure! Of course it had to hit while my mom and I were in town. I have always wondered why you see people pull over on the side of the road when it rains hard...are they just old, dumb, what? Until last night....I had to pull over....TWICE. Go ahead and laugh. But I literally could not tell where the road was, all I saw was my windshield with rain being thrown around. It was a very sick feeling, I will say. So I promise never to make fun of people again who pull over in the rain. I will say in my defense that it was just starting to get dark and the entire world around me seemed to be that nasty color of gray, you know that gray when you can't even see clouds, it's just a wall of downpouring rain all around you and there is no end in sight. That kind of rain...

I am trying to get packed up to go to my mother in laws house on Sunday. I have to work tomorrow, so I won't have much of a chance to do it then. I'm not really looking forward to going, I have a lot of anger and bitterness towards the woman, that maybe I shouldn't have, but I can't seem to get over it. It's one where I take up for my husband no matter what, and she is one who runs over him at any given chance. It breaks my heart to see him get so excited to go visit her and within minutes of us being with her, she deflates his bubble. It's like a beaten dog, they ALWAYS go back to their owner. His mom is German ( and I like German people, I have many friends that are German) but she is the strict, tight lipped, stern jawline type that will cut your throat as quickly as she can say her daily devotions. She holds back nothing...EVER. She had a rough life, or so she says, I just think she was raised with a strict hand. Her Mom died when she was young, only to be left with her father, "Opa" to me, and two older brothers. She met Daniels dad in the army while he was stationed in Germany and she moved to the states at 18 to marry him. From what she tells me, it was rough. Daniels Dad on the other hand was a very kind, gentle man who would do anything for you. And he dearly loved his grandchildren, even Chandler, which is something I don't think my MIL does. (in her defense, if she does, she has a horrible way of showing it. She has told me that she is very uncomfortable with his disability and she does not know how to love him....funny, I thought love was just something that was there automatically.) But, in September 2002 when I was 7 months pregnant with Grace we got the terrible phone call that Daniels dad had died while vacationing at the Outer Banks. He had drowned. It was devastating, and at one certain point during the phone call I couldn't help holding my ever stretching belly wondering if this was the kind of stress that caused a miscarriage. We went to Roanoke the next morning and stayed there for a week to take care of the funeral, family and getting his mom back on her very numb feet. It was the roughest week of our adult lives. I had lost family members, I had lost friends, but all at a younger age and since I was an adult this was the first loss that made such an impact on my life. Daniel never really mourned his father. He still has not. I know that one day, could be soon or could be much later on, that I will have to drop my life and take care of my husband when it finally hits him. Daniel has changed so much since that event that I don't think I will ever see the "old" Daniel. He has aged so much since then, in looks and actions. But since then, his mom has changed also. I know it is going to happen when anyone loses a spouse, but she has become very self involved. She makes little attempt to be with her family, she works constantly, and is very into money. I know that sounds weird but I saw a side of her come out when he died that I did not know was really there. She likes money (who doesn't, right?) But when the life insurance claim(S) came rolling in, both my husband and his brother became very aware of what they were dealing with. I am not saying she is a millionare by any means, but she has the means to live very comfortably for the rest of her days and probably for both of her sons days also. Daniel and I have always been "paycheck to paycheck" kind of people. We work hard for our money and we use it when it needs to be used and not any other time. His brother has an easy desk job and makes 4 times what we make and his wife has the privelage to work if she wants to or just keep the kid in daycare and spend her days shopping. I like that kind of life...at least I dream about it and I think I like the dreams. But when we go to Roanoke, and we drive the same vehicle for years and years and years...and we have the same clothes until they fall apart, or we outgrow them, we get looked at funny. Not saying we are the Beverly Hillbillies, but we just don't throw stuff away probably as quick as some other people do. I can't afford to get haircuts once a week or tanning booths or nail treatments, when I do that is a luxury, believe me. But his mom always seems to think that we could do better in another town, like HERS or something...I will tell you, I grew up in Roanoke, and it has grown up too much while we were in Germany. I like the small town life, I love the farm that we live on, I love the privacy of being able to walk outside in the middle of the night in my nightgown and looking at the stars and not worrying about cars going up and down the road at all hours. So I don't ever see myself living in Roanoke again. I will probably eat my words one day, but as for now, I see myself here, where my children are rooted. Oh, God....I've rambled..... So when I say I am kind of dreading going to Roanoke, there isn't just one simple thing that bugs me about it, but there are tons of things. Geez, I could go on and on....

On the TTC front, I am on CD 22...waiting to see if I can join Heather, Chasity and Jenn... I am not sure if I will continue to try next month since we are going on vacation, this month is so messed up as it is....hopefully I am pregnant now and I won't have to worry about "not trying".
We'll see.

I hope everyone has a good weekend and I will try to update over the next few days, if I can get to a computer. Take care everyone!!