I can finally see it...

My son is 5 1/2, we have had every test known to man run on him, therapies for him weekly, and a loving supportive family for him. He is still disabled. He cannot walk, talk, feed himself, and is pretty much completely dependent. Yesterday, after I got him off the school bus, I got my wake up call.

Let me explain, so far just about everyone in my family has said they see Chandler walking in the future. I am not sure if this is a visual they get or just a hope for the future, but they remind me of it daily. I must admit that I have never had this "insight". I just take everyone's word for it, and go on helping him the best way I know how.

So yesterday, after getting him from his wheelchair, he put his feet down, as if he wanted to take some steps. He can do this, with support. So I let him take his steps and waited patiently for him to crumble in my arms. Well, this time, he didn't get tired and crumble. He let go of one of my fingers and wanted to walk beside me. I contemplated on letting him go completely, and then found myself not able to let go. For fear...I don't know if it was fear that he might walk, fall and get hurt, or fear that I may be taken someplace new and not know how to react. I have to say, we walked for several minutes, in large circles in the living room, waiting for him to tire. Finally, he looked at me as if to say, "now, Mommy" and I caught him. We both slumped to the floor in a pile and I cried, with him to my side, looking into my eyes, waiting patiently on me to get over my emotions. I finally saw it. I could see my baby boy, walking tall. He may need walking sticks, braces and more, but he will do it. I can see it now! Now I still don't know if this is a visual or a dream, I can't say, all I know is that in my heart, it was there. And it was very real. Doctors say he has limited "thinking" I will call it. I won't go into great detail how the hateful, hurtful doctor told me that my son was mentally disabled, but I know right now in this instant that he (that evil doctor) was WRONG. My son thought through every step he took yesterday, he knew when his feet weren't right that he could not do it with minimal support, and he corrected his feet so that he could walk, holding onto his mommy. I stand corrected by my 5 year old that he will walk one day, he will accomplish this, and then we will move on to greater things. Thank you, Chandler. Thank you for teaching me to accept things that I have no control over, for making me understand what it is like to have every single daily task to take every part of your being to accomplish it. Thank you for making me realize that life is not so simple, that you try hard to be part of this world, and you do it well. You are a beautiful being, a godly being, and you have my heart in your hands.