Writing My Life Away

Yes, this is two in one day. It is a slow, boring day and my kids are taking wonderfully long naps. I have so much in my head that it gets hard to write it all down. It is spinning around in my head and my hands cannot keep up.

This is the time of month that me and my husband TTC. For those of you on the board that know what that means, I am happy to see you are visiting. TTC means trying to conceive. Yes, we are. No, my family has no idea. It is our little secret. I feel like everyone would think we are crazy for doing this given our situation with my son. A lot of people have told us we should not have more children. We ignored it and had a beautiful, healthy baby girl two years and one day ago. She is perfect. No health problems what so ever. Anyway, so we time this, we have it down to the exact day, and still can't seem to get pregnant. I am so frustrated. I am so discouraged, so hurt, tired, mad, confused, and down right pissed. I think that pretty much describes it. I just can't believe that getting pregnant with my first two was so darn simple, and this is like the impossible task. And I hate that. I hate that it has become a "task". It's like a chore, hey we have to do this NOW!! Let's go!! It is annoying. And this time of year is when you would love to be pregnant so everyone can dote on it. Yes, that is selfish, but every woman loves it, admit it.

We have spent a fortune on tests. Pregnancy tests & ovulation tests. I can not believe how much money we go through in hopes that this might be the month. It sucks. But this could be the month. See, there I go again. For those of you that do not know the pain of TTC or those people out there that claim to get pregnant if their husband so much as sneezes on them, you suck. I mean it. Good for you, but you suck. No offense, though. It bothers me that this task has totally consumed me for months now. Day, night, dreams, every minute of every day, my mind is on the baby that I could have. Granted , I do have my hands full with the children I do have, but I loves babies, I love to hold them, the smell, the sounds, I love every bit of it. And I know a third child will have to be my last, but I think that is why I want it so badly. I want it to be final. I want the third to be the child that I close out this chapter of my life with. The one who takes me from being a woman of conceiving age to a Mom. No more TTC, just a Mom. One who can be there for her children no matter what. I have made my life a stay at home life for me kids. I wouldn't trade it. To be able to get my son off the school bus in the afternoons, to know that if he gets sick at school, I can be there in no time. They can and will depend on me. I know this is rambling, writing my life away, right? But I have to get these thoughts out. These things stress me out. They get me down. I have to get it off me chest.