My Random Thoughts

I'm back...a year later

2007-11-13T13:02:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! I thought I would take a minute and drop in...if anyone still reads this thing. I just went and checked in on everyone that I used to read about religiously. I miss reading so much. It seems like kids are keeping everyone from blogging as much as we used to. I love seeing the pics of every ones children, they are all so beautiful. So much has been going on in the last year, I don't even know where to begin. Chandler is 8 now, Gracie is 4 (5 in a week) and Madison is 20 months. Wheeee!!! Chandler is doing well, he still faces a lot of the same challenges that he has in the past, not talking, not self feeding, etc. But he enjoys school a lot, and he has a personal aide now that is with him throughout the whole school day and even while he is on the bus, and that has been so nice! Gracie started pre-school this year, she is allowed to ride the bus with Chandler, so that eases my mind a lot. In our county, the smallest of children ride the same bus as the high schoolers, and I was not crazy about that, so I got it fixed the first day of school. She loves school, and has learned so much since she has started. She also played soccer this year, I was so proud of her. She really liked and did well. It's cute to see such little kids play together as a team. I took way too many pictures, and may post them eventually. Madison is doing the normal things that babies do. She gets into everything, is learning to throw tantrums, she knows how to get her way and is good at it. She is a spunky little thing, too. She looks so much like Chandler, with the dark hair and dark eyes. And she babbles all the time. In her own language of course. She says a few words but would rather speak in her own way.

Daniel and I are good, we are coming up on our 12 year anniversary in a few weeks. I can't believe that it has been this long. I don't feel old enough to have been married that long! But we've made it, through the good and the bad. I've been having a few medical problems lately, but not too much that is dangerous. I have been dealing with some depression, for a while now, and I had just put it off for too long, until I just about lost my mind. I noticed it was piling on, and I was so angry and would just get so angry so fast...then Daniel pointed it out to me, and then I knew I had to do something about it. The doctor put me on Zoloft, wayyyy to much of it, because when i took it, it was knocking me out for half the day, I could not even function. I had NO feelings, and had no emotions. I hated it, so I started taking half the dosage and that seemed to work better for me. Then after being on it for a while, my grandmother passed away (it had been a long battle) and so I stopped taking the medication. I felt good again, and didn't have to be dependant on the meds. Well, I started to feel myself falling into it again, so I went back on the meds a week ago, and now I am having weird symptoms, my heart is racing, feels like someone sitting on my chest, so I think I am just going to stop taking it again. We'll have to see how it goes.

Thanksgiving will be interesting this year, we're going to my MIL's...I am dreading it, seriously. I have so many ill feelings toward that woman, that I can't even imagine spending the day with her, but I have no choice... so we're driving up to Roanoke to visit and eat a meal, then driving back home and having a long weekend here at the house by ourselves. So wish me luck! I think I'm gonna pick this blogging thing back up, I've missed it so much. And it is nice to be able to get this out of my head. Oh and I forgot to mention that I am opening up my pet grooming shop again. I had to close down when I was pregnant with Madison because I got so ill, but now I taking the plunge again, so I'll be writing how that goes also! I've missed you all!!

A long needed update...

2006-10-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

I'm here, I am okay. I guess I just needed to take a break and be a mommy for a while. Going from two to three kids has been somewhat traumatic in some ways. I am doing well, still a SAHM, doing what I do. Chandler is doing really well, he started a new school this year and that has been an answer to prayers. he really loves the new school and the new teacher, and he is doing so well. He is 7 now!! Gracie is good, she is a vibrant and outgoing as ever. She holds back for nothing. She loves everyone and is so smart in some ways but still so young in other ways. I see so much of myself in her, and it scares me some but in most ways it makes me warm inside. She will be 4 next month and she is already so excited about it. Maddie turned 7 months on the 14th of this month. I can't believe it has gone so fast! She is crawling everywere and even crawled up two steps tonight!! She is babbling saying dadada all the time. She smiles at everyone and still has such a wonderful personality. She is finally getting hair and it is so dark brown, and her eyes are black like coal. She is just beautiful, I could go on and on and on, but most would say I am biased. I love those morning smiles, the ones that just light up my day.

I have been lurking mostly, I read often. I miss everyone from the TTCOAY board. I've been thinking about you girls a lot. Lesley I have been wondering how you are, I miss your blog. Ally, I am so so so so very sorry. I don't know what else to say. I know the words I'm sorry don't cover much territory, but it's all I know to say. That and we all support you and pray for you. Chas, what a beautiful baby girl you have!! Keep updating pics! Jenn, your babies are so very cute with those huge eyes!! I know you MUST have your hands full!! And for all the others, I wish you all good luck in your TTC efforts.

2006-05-31T12:15:00.000-05:00

I'm alive, I promise!! Gosh, with hot weather here now, and the kids, and everyone being sick for a while, the time has just flown by. School will be out before I know it, and then I will have even less time. We are all doing well. We went through a phase where everyone (except Daniel and Maddie) had a bad cold, which I honestly think was strep, but thankfully, it has gotten better for everyone. Gracie still has tonsils the size of baseballs, and I still have a bad cough, but the fevers are gone, and I am happy for that. We had to buy a van. It is not new, it's a 2000 Ford Windstar. Our van died on us a few weeks back and we had done nothing ubt sink money into it for months and things just kept going wrong, so it finally came to that point where we had put more money into it than it was worth. Now we get to deal with a car payment....yuck. But I really like the van, and it does good for us. I really liked my old van, it was just so "us". I loved everything about it. But we said good bye to it and Gracie screamed all the way home after we bought the new one. She wanted our old one back....

Chandler is doing real good. He was put on some new medication and it has really helped to level out his mood and control the outburts and hand biting, etc. I am so happy we finally found something that works. His walking has improved so much, he walks everywhere now, and I swear he looks like he wants to try steps, but I am just not ready for that one. He had musical at school that he was able to participate in two weeks ago and it was so cute. It was a sea creature theme and he laughed through the whole thing. It was nice to finally see him participating in school activities. This was his first program.

Gracie is fine, she is spending most of her time outdoors now that the weather is so nice. She is so independant that she never needs anyone, which is good at times, but sometimes I miss my little girl. We are completely potty trained now, thank God! In some ways it was easier than I thought it would be, but we still hit a few rough spots, but I guess that is to be expected. She seems to be proud of being able to wear big girl panties, so we reward her with cute new ones every so often. Her favorites now are "Over the Hedge" and they have skunks all over them.

Maddie is well, she is really growing, and finally putting on some weight She is still very small, but she is growing! I had her at the WIC office on May 2nd, and she weighed 9 lbs 7 ounces. Her little face is finally filling out, and she is just now starting to get rolls on her legs. Her eyes have changed from the dark blue grey to a very deep brown. I am so happy that she has brown eyes. Actually she is a carbon copy of what Chandler looked like as an infant. Only much smaller. She had her 2 month checkup on May 16th and she weighed 10 lbs 2 ounces and was 21 1/2" long. She got 4 shots, 2 in each leg, and she did pretty well with them. I gave her Tylenol for two days to help her out. I hated seeing her have to get them. That is one part of motherhood that never gets any easier. We also got a good report that she has really good muscle tone. We always look for that because of Chandler's problems, and thankfully, she is showing no signs of any problems. She is a really strong little girl. She has great head control and is already pushing up when you lay her on her belly. It is so fun to watch her exploring everything. She found herslf in the mirror the other day and let out the cutest giggle. She smiles so easily at everyone and seems so curious to read peoples faces. She is really maturing qucikly. I just wish she would stay a baby for a lot longer.

I am doing okay, I am still having trouble with the baby weight. I still have only lost 10 pounds since I had Maddie, and it is getting really frustrating. I've been taking long walks in the evenings, with the kids and Daniel. We walk all over the place, looking at the cows and spying on spiders and bugs and sometimes if we're lucky we see frogs. Each evening Gracie wants to go explore new things. And God knows I need to get out of the house by then. I am able to fit into some of my pre pregnancy clothes but ot many. I have had to buy new shorts ad pants, and even some shirts. I still have a 5 months pregnant belly, it is so sickening. I am really not disgusted with the number that I am at, just where the weight is sitting is bad. It is all in my belly. I have a donut around my waist and I hate it. I will try and post some pics of the family soon. I got some good ones over the Memorial Day holiday, so I will try and get them up soon. Oh, and I spoiled myself with a new tattoo on Memorial Day. I may just have to post a picture of that too. It's on my lower back, right now it is just black and white, but eventually I will have it colored in. My brother is a tattoo artist so I can just stop by there anytime I want it colored in. I am really happy with it. It hurt like hell, but I guess it was worth it.

Thats about it for us. I just wanted to report on how we're all doing since it has been so long. I miss everyone.

I posted a few new pics on the baby site!

New pics on the baby site....

2006-04-20T22:31:00.000-05:00

Here are new pics of Maddie

My long needed update

2006-04-13T15:10:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have been gone forever, and I know it seems that way to you all. Sorry, things around here are taking some getting used to. Chandler has been on spring break this week, so having three is weird. Maddie is doing wonderful and growing like a little weed. She still is not gettin gthe day and night thing down pat yet, but we're working on it. Gracie and Chandler are doing good, and Gracie is really excited about Easter. We are trying to get her to leave her binkies in a basket for the Easter Bunny in exchange for her basket but we just don't know if it will work out or not. She is just at the age where she really needs to get rid of them completely. She only gets it at night, but she has a basket full of them and each night, we have to dig through them all to see just which one she might want to have that night, it really just means she is stalling bedtime, and it gets quite old. So Saturday night, wish us luck that it all goes well....it could be a very long night for the whole McSherry household.

I am doing okay, I am still pretty tired, ubt my body is getting used to the small amounts of sleep, and I am learning to just use what energy I have. Some days I feel like I am running on fumes. I am having some "emotional" problems with my weight. I have always been very small, even when I didn't want to be that small, I use to try everything in my power to gain weight and nothing worked. Now I have the weight and it is just too much. I know she is only a month old, and to be honest, it is not the NUMBER that bothers me, it is the look. If only it could be toned, but getting to exercise is no option at this point for me. My stomach is still huge, literally, I look as if I am 6 months pregnant, and some people have even asked if I am pregnant. It is humiliating. With Chandler and Gracie, it fell off, but this time around is so much more difficult. Everyone said with breastfeeding the weight just falls off, but I am finding that to be not so true with me. But I am coping with it. It is one of those things that I deal with day to day and hope that I can handle it. Some days are worse than others (days that I have to go out in public and find something to wear)...it sucks. But enough whining....

I have a screaming little one waiting to be fed, but I want to say hello to everyone and I miss you all!

She's Here!

2006-03-16T10:11:00.000-05:00

Madison Elle McSherry
was born March 14, 2006 at 10:34 am
weighing 6 lbs 5 oz and 18"long.
Both mommy and baby are doing well and we will post pictures soon!

37 weeks 5 days!

2006-03-10T14:38:00.000-05:00

So here we are at 37 weeks...just days away from having our baby girl. I will admit, I am scared to death...I know this should be pretty normal for me by now, but even on the third I still get nervous. I lay awake at night wondering what she will look like and what she will sound like...or WHO she will look like.

I honestly think I am going to pop at the seams, I feel like Winnie The Pooh, and just waiting to eat too much till my stuffing comes out. Wouldn't that be pretty? The baby has dropped now, which is nice on my lungs but terrible on my ....well, you know. So this may be the last picture you see of me this big. I check into the hospital at midnight Monday night and have the baby Tuesday morning, and I still plan to go through with getting my tubes tied. I am finally done. Thanks to all of you who have checked in on me throughout this whole ordeal. From the very beginning stages of throwing up my "stuffing" to now wanting it just to pop out. I love you all!

36 weeks!

2006-02-27T21:04:00.000-05:00

2006-02-15T10:49:00.000-05:00

Congratulations Jenn on the arrival of your TWINS!!!! We are so proud of you and so very excited to see pics of your new miracles!!

My poor sick boy...

2006-01-27T16:16:00.000-05:00

Today Chandler came home from school sick. He had been vomiting and has been ever since. I feel so bad for him, he is just laying in the bed moaning. And there is very little that I can do for him. Life can be so cruel sometimes. So it may be a long weekend for us. We had big plans to work outside on the swingset this weekend, but that may be changing now. Well, I say we had big plans, more like Daniel had big plans and I was going to sit on my butt and be a good patient and not do any "work". I like supervising better anyway.

I have finally hit the first stage of "nesting" I think...I woke up this morning with the urge to do something other than sit on my tail. So I took it as easy as I could and put gloves on and got to work. I also made Gracie help, which she doesn't seem to mind yet. I ran the kitchen sink full of hot soapy water and gave her a rag and told her to wash off every surface she could find. That keeps a 3 year old busy for a long time, ya know? So long as they remember to ring out the rag before they trapse across the floor....I won't go there. Then I got the call to come pick Chandler up from school, so ever since then I have been cleaning him up and washing his dirty clothes...yick. I so wish i could be more into this nesting thing by now. I was full into it by now with my first two pregnancies, but with this one, it is all I can do to pull myself off the couch anymore. I feel like such a louse.

On the baby front, I am feeling well; she is an active one, that is for sure. She is as active as Grace was when I carried her...I am not sure if that is a good sign or not. Chandler was always so laid back and was gentle on me, but these last two are giving me a run for my money. I am gaining weight again after being sick last week, and I certainly have my appetite back. I am on a prescription for the acid reflux which is working like a charm. Who knew medicine coul dmake you feel so good. I am not a big pill popper, but I swear by these things...and still the Zofran. That nausea and morning sickness is a kicker still ...And the best news et is that I have less than 8 weeks to go!! Only 57 more days to go!! Yay! The scarey thing is that I still have almost 8 weeks to grow...and I feel stretched to the max as it is. My skin almost burns it is so tight, but I know it won't pop...at least it never has before :o)

I am little depressed that I don't have a nursery to set up this time around. That takes some of the fun out of being pregnant. Usually this time, you are so busy with setting up the crib and painting and decorating, but since the baby will be sharing a room with Gracie, I can't do anything. I still have not set up the crib for fear that Gracie will want to go back to her old ways and sleep in it, so we will just wait until the last monute to set that up. All the clothes are washed and ready for her arrival, though. And it is somewhat depressing not to have a baby shower this time around. I know I shouldn't expect one, since it is our third, but they are so much fun...even though I hate being the center of attention. It is always nice to get gifts no matter what age you are. And I do plan to have a "meet the baby" party after she arrives, just to give everyone a chance to come and spend a day with us and google over her for a while.

Other than that, my life has been so boring lately. Nothing to report other than that. I so hope that Chas and Heathers babies are doing well and they are enjoying their time with them. Having a new baby is so mch fun and can be so rewarding. Being a mom is the greatest feeling in the world. It can be taxing, but it is SUCH a reward. To know that God blessed you with such a wonderful gift, and entrusted us with these tiny creatures, that says it all. I pray that all the IPP girls have their dreams come true one day.

***I know you may be wondering if I will keep this blog going now that I have the "baby" blog...YES!!! I want two, and here are my reasons. This blog is for everyone that has been through my journey of trying to get pregnant, and so on. My family does not know of this blog and I'd like to keep it that way. The new blog, will be for my family to be able to read and be up to date with my pregnancy and pictures of the baby once she arrives. ***

2006-01-21T19:58:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to say a huge CONGRATULATIONS to Chas on her new baby Samantha, and also to Heather on her new baby Ashton. I could not be happier for you!

Check this out!

2006-01-15T14:30:00.000-05:00

Come check out my new blog...all about baby and pregnancy. It's still new so bare with me, but I wanted to be able to have somwhere to post lots of baby pics when she arrives!

www.coconutthecat.blogspot.com

or you can just go to places I like to visit on the right.

I know this is late...

2006-01-14T13:05:00.000-05:00

I just got a scanner that works...after God knows how long of not having one. But I wanted you all to see my little one the only way I have been able to see her for so long. Remember this is from week 19...

30 Weeks

2006-01-10T10:14:00.000-05:00

Watch out for that belly button!!!

74 Days to go...

2006-01-10T09:57:00.000-05:00

It's been a long week so far and it is only Tuesday...can you imagine? I am feeling better than the last time I posted, and I am coping with "resting" that is a funny word with a three year old around. I know I am growing, I can see that. My belly button is ready to put someones eye out is is sticking out so far. The baby is kicking for all she is worth and it feels like at times she is just going to explode out of stomach. Her little punches and kicks have beocme much more brutal. I told Daniel the other night in bed that I think she is so bored in there she must be whiddling her little bones into sharp spears just to torture me. Or she has a little bow and arrow set that she is playing with.

My hormones are in high gear lately...I have been able to handle it very well up until now, and all of a sudden, if you look at me wrong, I cry. Everyone pisses me off, too. So my husband has been playing along and doing okay so far...that is after he learned his lesson over the weekend and I went ape shit on him. My Dad has this saying that I always thought was cute, and now it is appropriate..."walk lightly and carry a big stick"...I think that is the way people feel around me lately. Because if you disturb me you may have to beat me down to shut me up. I am really ready for this pregnancy to come to it's end. I am so anxious to meet her and have her meet everyone else, I just want to see her, and hear her and know her. It could be so much fun with two little girls in the house playing dolls and make believe. I have an older sister, she is 3 years older than I am,but we never...NEVER got along, still don't really. She never made herself available to be my friend no matter how hard I tried. She was too busy reading her books or staying in her room, so I just made do with my older brothers playing football or baseball with them, I still have a decent bond with both of them. But I am also ready to start the chapter of my life that is focused on raising my family, and not still creating it. I want to be 100% a part of their lives and being pregnant and how sick I get doesn't allow much time to be 100% with them. Daniel and I talked last night that we pray our daughters never get sick with their pregnancies like I do. He said he will be there for every IV she ever has to get..I was kind of hoping that her husband would be there for her, but Daniel plans to play a big role as Granddad...I'd actually just like to be mom for a while.

Well, I am rambling, I hope veryone is well.

This is me falling apart...

2006-01-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

***Sob****Well, today was my 28 week appointment. It started out very good, my weight is good, I have gained 5 pounds since my last appt. 4 weeks ago, which put me at 133lbs now, baby sounds good with a heart rate of 152, and I am measuring right at 28 weeks. Good, huh? So then I decided that I would put my fears at rest and asked when I could find out if the baby is still breech. According to the doctor, they don't even start to worry about that until 36 weeks. So then I explained to her about my braxton hicks contractions that seem to be non stop lately, (well, that is a bit of exxageration) but they are very frequent, and VERY strong. Much stronger than with either of my first pregnancies. She then asked if when I sat down do they go away or drink water etc. Well, no they don't, and the most common time I get them is when I sitting down. Of course they happen all through the day even when I am walking, but aqlso laying in bed, watching TV, etc. So she said she wanted to check me just to make sure nothing is going on. Well, then my hell starts. I am 50% effaced already, and about 2 cm dilated. The babies head is down, which is good news, that she is not breech anymore, YAY! But as of now, I have been given orders to "take it easy" which means no picking up my children, no sex, no excessive walking, like shopping, etc. No standing for long periods of time, no NOTHING. I guess in all reality that it could be worse and it could be strict bedrest, but this is torture enough. Oh, and I am down to appointments every 2 weeks, and they will check my cervix at every appointment from here on out. yippeee...just what I wanted was someone prodding me every two weeks. Someone OTHER than my husband. So that is my update. I am sobbing and going to bed for a while. That is if I can get Gracie to take a nap. Pray that I don't lose my mind.

81 Days left!!!!

2006-01-03T12:30:00.000-05:00

**Here is me at 28 weeks**
I am getting so excited, I only have 81 days left in this pregnancy. I know for some, that may seem like a long time away, but I have plenty to do in 81 days. My #1 project for the last week has been going through Gracie's room, pulling out all the old clothes, washing them, sorting them by size and filling up the dresser with baby clothes. That in itself is nearly killing me. I had no idea how much "stuff" that girl had until I started pulling it all out. So needless to say, we are set on clothes, we just need some other things, like a swing and bouncy seat, and I do like new onesies, instead of using them from child to child. They get stained so easily, and I like fresh white ones on babies. We are using my brother and sister in law's car seat and stroller, so now I don't have to go buy one of those, thank God. I really wanted one at Babies R Us, but it was ovr $200, and that is a ton of money to spend on something that isn't used very often. Especially when I can just use theirs.

Chandler went back to school today so he seemed happy to be getting dressed this morning, although it was not easy getting up at 6 am. I got lazy over Christmas break and was sleeping till almost 8:30. I can't take naps anymore during the day because if I do, then I don't sleep at night. I know I shouldn't run myself down during the day, but that is the only way to sleep at night is to be dog tired and practically pass out once i hit the bed. Between the insomnia and the indigestion and the activity of the baby, I get very little sleep. there is not one time during the night that I can wake up to pee and she is bouncing around. And believe me, I get up a lot to pee. Other than the lack of sleep, I feel good. I feel stretched, that is for sure. Almost as if I don't think I could stretch any further but I know I will. And by evening time, my legs and ankles and feet are huge, but that is kind of normal for me. So my evening routine is to go take a warm bubble bath and relax, and get the weight off my feet for a while. And it helps to take the weight off my tummy for a while, too. I wish I could go swimming, that feels so good when you are pregnant, but it's winter so I think I'll pass.

I am glad to see that everyone is doing well. Good to see Lesley back online and that Ally is feeling more optimistic. I still think about you girls all the time. I pray your time will come to have babies in your arms. And I am glad to see Jenn and Chas and Heather are all doing well in their pregnancies. Jen, I can't believe how good you look! And twins at that!!! I am so thankful everyone is well.

2005-12-23T20:58:00.000-05:00

A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year !

Today's Thoughts

2005-12-23T14:00:00.000-05:00

I have not really sat down and typed anything of much importance lately. Pretty much just updating so it doesn't look like I am such a slacker, but looking at my posts from the last few months, I suck....

I haven't had a lot going through my brain lately, other than baby thoughts, and for those of you that are pregnant or have been pregnant, the baby really does take your brain, doesn't it? It is almost embarrassing at times when people look at me as if I am supposed to be following along in deep conversation, when actually, I am thinking of how my body hurts and the puddle of drool accumulating on my chest shows how dense I really am. No matter what frame of mind I start the day out in, I tell myself okay, today I will NOT only think baby thoughts, and then WHAM! Here they come. Honestly I used to be able to make more than one thought at a time. Those were the good 'ol days.

I've been thinking aout the holidays lately, and how much of a funk I seem to get in the day after Christmas. I know that is lame, but it's like the day after, I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. The excitement is over, the hustle and bustle is over, and I have nothing to do. And this year I am scared it will be worse since January and February are always such long months anyway, and now I am waiting on this soccer ball to be hatched. I call it my soccer ball, since my body feels like the soccer field, always being played on, kicked, fallen on, you know, just how a field would feel. But I started thinking about it lat night in bed, taht this will be my last pregnancy, the last time I ever feel the sensation of a tiny baby rubbing my belly from the inside, the last time I feel arms and legs flailing about inside, the last time I have a human body growing inside of me. Don't get me wrong, I am not thinking twice about having my tubes tied, I do still feel that this child completes me and the happy little family that we have. But it is almost sad to know that this part of my life will soon be over, and there will be no turning back. After this I will focus on being a mommy to these three kids and never thinking about what if there were to be another? I know, my thoughts are pretty much rambling at this point. I seem to trail off into nothingness lately. No wonder Daniel thinks I've been hitting the crack pipe.

Daniel has to work this weekend, but only a half day on Saturday so I am not to upset over that. Chandler is out of school for the holiday break, and Gracie is eating way too many sweets...need I say more? A three year old popped up on chocolate is not good. End of subject. We plan to have a quiet Christmas morning (as quiet as it can be with two kids ripping into gifts) and then we plan to eat a late breakfast and then go to my Moms and have a late lunch and open gifts. Usually they are pretty stress free days, lets hope for the best this year also. I never understood families that run from hous eto hous eto house on Christmas day. We made a promise to each other when we had children that every Christmas, they would wake up in their own home and not have to wonder if Santa would find them or not. That is just my opinion....

I have noto been back to the Pregnancy Weekly TTCOAY board in forever, let me rephrase that, I visit, I just lurk. I don't comment. I am scare dthat my "blinkies" will offend someone, and I don;t know how to take them off just to make simple posts on occasion. I know things got bad there when the burst of pregnancies happened, and it's a shame that people did not handle it well. I felt like we all had a great bond there with what we had going on in our lives, and then once people started getting pregnant, it all changed. It seemed so unfair that a few of us had gotten the special gift that we had all been striving for for so long, and then we were abandoned. We were made to feel bad for finally having our dreams come true. I wish to God every day thatthose ladies could become pregnant, and have their dreams come true, I wish that for them every day. Anyway, I simply wanted to say that I miss that friendship that I once had.

Now that it has taken me all of the day to write this and keep coming back with what I would like to call a fresh mind, I guess I should close this never ending blah. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. And thanks for reading all the way through my mindless rambling.

Christmas 2005

2005-12-21T16:35:00.000-05:00

My OB appointment

2005-12-09T22:40:00.000-05:00

I had my OB appointment yesterday, it went pretty well. It was actually supposed to be on Tuesday but we had snow so I got rescheduled. I am up to 127 pounds now, which is a 6 pound gain from last month, but I am not sweating it...I just had a good Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Christmas is another big eating holiday...

I had my one hour glucose test and since I didn't hear from the nurse today that is a good sign. They said I could call after lunch if I wanted, but if the results came back bad, she would surely call before then. thank God she didn't call. I was on pins and needles every time the phone rang. The baby still seems to be in a weird position, I won't say breech, but she is laying across my tummy. But it is not something I should worry about just yet. Other than that, everything is good, the heart rate was 136.

Chandler is sick, he has bronchitis, and not handling it very well. He has had a fever all week just about. But hopefully, he will feel better soon. And so far Gracie does not have it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I have not been the best at blogging lately, but I am reading, I promise!

Our Family Christmas Photo

2005-12-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

Ten Years and counting....

2005-12-03T10:04:00.000-05:00

Can you believe that it is already December and the year is almost gone?? It seems like 2005 just got here in a way.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with just my family, and lots of good food. I ate more than enough, which I knew I would do, and it was well worth it. There aren't too many meals where you have that much food in one sitting.I know I gained several pounds that week...

Gracie had her 3rd Birthday party on Saturday, and she loved it. She was so excited for everyone to be coming just to see her. And the fact that there was pizza, cake and punch made it even more fun for her. She did so well, and was so well behaved I could not believe that it was my daughter. She really is growing up so fast. And she got big girl panties and we are on the track to potty training, and she is doing wonderful! If I can get it done by Christmas, I will be happy. Just so I can have like 1 or 2 months to not have to buy pampers before the baby comes. that would be a great break!

I colored my hair the other day...I had used the same highlites when I first got pregnant, and it turned out good, then I went to touch up my roots on Wednesday and it came out horrible....I mean really, really bad. So I had to go out last night looking like an overstuffed scarecrow and buy more haircolor and go back to brown, except I went with a bit of a red tint which is a first for me. And ya know what? I like it!! It is different and maybe that is what I needed. I have no color in my face when I am pregnant and so my eyes look even browner now, so I think it looks good. Thank God.... I really didn't want to have to explain myself to the hair salon.

I have an OB appointment on Tuesday, so I will see just how much weight I have gained recently. Over the holidays, my nephew screwed up my scales so I have not been able to weigh myself since then...maybe it's a good thing. I can feel the baby moving around all the time now, she is really active. So I will update after my appointment.

I am still trying to get things done for Christmas, I have lots more to buy. Although I am done shopping for my children, I still haven't done anything for Daniel or any other family member. And I really don't know when I am going to get a babysitter and get out to do anything.

We had our 10th Anniversary yesterday. TEN YEARS. How amazing is that??? I am so lucky to have found the perfect man. We didn't do anything at all to celebrate. We didn't have a sitter for the kids, so we went to McDonalds and brought home food and watched a movie in the floor. It was so nice. I wouldn't have it any other way. I know giving gifts is nice, but we don't have to give gifts every year to express our love for each other. We know it is there, and always will be no matter what.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

2005-11-19T14:27:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I wrote anything at all...I really haven't had much time. Thanksgiving is coming up, and then the Saturday after that is Gracie's 3rd Birthday party, and I am trying to get things lined up for that. So far, I have no cake, no pizzas ordered and no gift, and I good or what?? Her party is Tinkerbell, and she wanted cake and pizza, so that's what it is going to be. Besides after all that turkey, we'll want something different. She seems pretty excited about it, I just hope people show up, so far, only a handful of people have RSVP'd...I wish people would get a clue that sometimes it is nice of them to RSVP. It helps to know what to plan for. Obviously not everyone agrees with me. My family is not the best at responding to anything, unless you are giving out money.

Chandler got ihs school physical yesterday, which was a joke. All that time and effort just to pretty much weight him and measure him, and ask how he had been...duh. He see's anough doctors in his life to not need a physical. That's just my opinion, though.

I've been doing good. Still sick on occasion, but I'm happy for the most part. I've come to the conclusion that this may stick with me for the whole pregnancy this time, and I am okay with it. Nothing I can do about it other than deal with it. I feel like I do nothing but eat all the time, I stay hungry all the time. And the witgh is packing on, but like I have said all along, this is the last pregnancy so I am taking advantage of gaining the weight, and look forward to having a baby in March and then working the weight off. I'm jujst glad that I am pregnant during two of the biggest holidays around...so I can eat all I want and then some and no one can say a damn thing to me about it!! We finally picked out the bedding for the crib, it's at baby depot, so I am anxious to go and pick that up. I have also bought a few things for the baby, a sleeper, and Daniel picked out some hats (we are both big into hats on babies) and I got the most beautiful diaper bag! We have picked out the swing and car seat but have not bought it yet...don't ask me what we are waiting on. We may just wait until after Christmas to buy the stuff so it doesn't take up too much space during the holidays. And I can't really put the crib togethre for a while, for fear that Gracie will want to revert back to her baby days and want to sleep in the crib. She hasn't been in her big girl bed long enough to chance that! We still have to find a car seat and possibly stroller, but I am in no hurry to spend all that money.

Well, I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving planned. I love this holiday, but for some reason, it seems to be the forgotten holiday anymore. Everyone is so tied up in Halloween then Christmas, we almost forget that this is celebrating the founding of our country...how important is that?? To me it is the greatest.

Have a wonderful holiday!

Am I Crazy?

2005-11-06T14:10:00.000-05:00

Maybe I am.... see, ever since we had the ultra sound, I just am not convinced...I know that sounds weird, but I just knew in my head that this baby was a boy. And then with the ultra sound saying it's a girl, I still cannot for the life of me convince myself that it's a girl. With Chandler, we saw his "parts" and with Gracie, we saw her "parts" very distinguished "parts". But with this one, we never got to see that. The baby was breech, which put her pelvis way down low, and she could never get a clear view of things, she said she just saw signs of it being a girl and n osigns of it being a boy...so am I crazy?? Am I just thinking this stuff up because I have nothing better to do? My husband thinks I need a hobby... lol. So I may try to bribe my doctor into giving us another ultrasound later on to see what he thinks. I can always use my sons history to get one, I just don't like to use that. What do you think?

Daniel left today for a week, he went to Tennessee to test for his A&P license (an aircraft mechanic license). I haven't cried so hard in a long time. I am the first to admit that I am a big baby when it comes to being home alone. I hate it, I never have gotten used to it. and now I have a whole week ALONE. A whole week of being a single parent, trying to keep my hair from turning grey and keep my sanity while keeping my kids from killing each other. We'll see if it's possible. He left at 10 am, and it's only 2 pm, and I want him HOME ALREADY. It's times like these that really show me how much I love him with all my heart. He really is my rock, even if I don't always show it to him. I think he is worried about the pregnancy while he is gone. he kept rubbing my belly saying "you sit tight, but grow, okay"?

So this week could mean one of two things, I blog a lot, out of pure boredom, or I blog none, because I have hibernated while he is gone. I do want to get some serious cleaning done while he is gone. Of course the cleaning that I want to do is stuff that he wont even notice. I like to clean out the closets and he surely wont notice that. But it will be one less thing that I have to do when I get into the nesting stage. That is such a horrible stage for me, I sometimes stay awake all night gong from one thing to the next cleaning and re-cleaning. Daniel says he loves it, because the house is always sparkly when I am done. I just wish I could hit that stage before the holidays, but no chance of that, huh? I just really love for my house to be spotless for the hoildays.

Well, I am going now. I am babysitting today (my neice) and it is not as easy as I thought it would be. I can't get anyone to take a nap, and I am dying for one!! Can't kids just understand that one day, they will be begging for naps??

My appointment

2005-11-03T16:22:00.000-05:00

I guess I will update everyone on my appointment. As you already know, we are having a girl. We are so excited!! She was an active little thing, too. She looks good so far, measuring a little small, only at 10 ounces, but I'm sure she will pack on the pounds in the coming months. I have gained 8 pounds in the last month, and everything is measuring good. The doctor said I am carrying high, which sucks for me since I am already so short waisted...my ribs already ache. Oh, and as of right now, she is breech.... Her heart rate is 146, she sounded like a hourse in there! I haven't seen Daniel so happy in a long time, and I was glad we were able to experience it together. We know this will be the last time we get to experience this, and we are making the most of it. So now we are playing the name game and trying to agree on a name. So far, it isn't working. Daniel is into off the wall names, and I like more normal names. I've also been looking at bedding for the crib, which isn't as easy as I had hoped. Since the girls will be sharing a room, I am trying to find bedding in lilac and yellow, to match the paint, and it isn't easy. But I am being patient and waiting on the perfect bedding to jump out at me.

Everything else is going well, still nauseas as hell, but dealing with it. My appetite is healthy that is for sure! I feel like I stay hungry, but when I eat a meal, I am so stuffed I am miserable. So I'm trying to keep it small. Haha..... Gracie loved the ultrasound pictures. One is of the baby waving and two of her profile and one of her face, which seemed to freak Gracie out. She looks at it and calls the baby a monkey. But the profile picture is so cute!

I hope everyone is doing well. I miss seeing you all on PW. It seems like such a slow board. Then on the other hand, the March board is hopping! It seems a little too busy to even know what is going on....so I mostly just lurk. Take care everyone!

My ultra sound today

2005-11-01T14:13:00.000-05:00

Daniel and I would like to announce that we will be having a baby girl in March. We could not be happier!

I feel so cheated...

2005-10-28T10:33:00.000-05:00

I'm venting so there's your warning...

As you may know, my sons parent teacher conference was yesterday. I knew I was pushing my luck simply because our allotted time was from 6:15 to 6:30. We got there at 12 minutes after 6, and waited...until 6:28. Then the teacher came out to get us from her last conference, and as we were walking into the classroom to start our meeting, the Principal came over the speaker and said, Parents, conferences are now over, if you could please leave the building. Fury flew over me so fast, I was determined to get in a word or two. His teacher said ont to worry, we could still have our meeting. During this time, the loud speaker came on with two more announcements, the Principal came into the room two times and the third time she came in, she said that Chandlers teachers ride was there to pick her up, everyone was out of the building, she wanted to leave and was witing on us so she could lock the building. I'm not going to even say what was going through my mind at this point. I will say this, I had to take both kids ot the conference with me, I didn't have a babysitter, and I knew I needed to go. But during the little time that I did have with this lady, she played with Chandler most of the time, telling me how he loves certain toys, etc. He is really into vibrating toys, simply for the stimulation. He has what is called sensory integration disorder, so he needs extra stimulation, from anything he can find. He loves paper, he crushes it up in his hands, and rubs his ears with it, etc. That just gives you an idea of what he likes. So then his teacher goes on to tell us how "inappropriate" toys like these are. He needs things that are made for older children...she recommended going to buy more mature fabric, like camoflouge (sp?) and taking the vibration part of the toy out and covering it with this "more appropriate" fabric. First and foremost, my son is 6 and still has a pacifier. He NEEDS stimulation. If he doesn't have this, he bites his hands until they bleed. So we deal with our 6 year old having a pacifier. And most people are willing to accept things when they see he is in a wheelchair. Not saying that we are okay with having the binky until he graduates, but until we find a replacement that he can handle, we DEAL. She proceeded to tell us about how many times he poops a day, which is no real news to us, he does it at home too! We have had several doctors run tests, he's seen a GI Specialist, he is fine. He just poops a lot. Now, THAT was the extent of our meeting. I drove a half hour to the school and home from the school...1 HOUR of driving to talk bullshit with this woman. Oh, and I should throw in here that she asked what kind of candles I burn at home...I said none now, that Gracie is two, it isn't safe for a while, but when I can I like apples and cinnamon. Oh well that just wont do. He needs vanilla smells, that is much more soothing. Apples and cinnamon stimulate way too much and could get him angry. You wanna know what makes me ANGRY???? My sons teacher!

I noticed that there is a lot of artwork in the classroom, and not much with Chandlers name on it, so she said that is because he is so busy with "other" things, like therapy, etc. He only gets therapy (PT, OT and ST) once a week. That couldn't possibly take up THAT much time. And this is against our doctors recommendations, she sent the school a script for physical therapy twice a week last year and he still isn't getting it. So where exacly is my child for art? I had a notebook page filled front and back of things I wanted to discuss, and I got one thing covered. She told us on our way out the door that we could always reschedule a conference anytime we wanted....well, that is nice, but she will still have to have her husband come and pick her up since she can't drive due to seizures. Not that she can help that, but I really don't feel she is an appropriate teacher knowing she has had several seizures in the middle of class, and anytime she could be holding my 50 pound son, and start to have one.

If you can't tell, I am still fuming over this. I am at a loss for words now. It just doesn't seem fair that we gave up our evening and drove that far, to be put off like that. I didn't even have the chance to give her the letter his doctor wrote to her ripping her a new tail hole due to her lack of teaching skills. I SO wanted to see her face when she read that. But it looks as though I will have to just mail it to her to try and get some things changed.

I just don't know where to go from here...it is all so messed up now.

***This is a great site on Sensory Integration Disorder***

http://www.sensoryinfo.com/

Hump Day

2005-10-26T13:04:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I have a parent teacher conference...it's our first. And I am scared to death. I have so much I want to discuss with Chandler's teacher. There is a lot going on in school that I don't like, and sometimes not enough of therapy, etc. But I want to do this tactfully so that it does not make the remainder of his year miserable. I am thinking about Ally having to go through this too, tomorrow. Sometimes being a Mom is hard work!

I am feeling okay lately. I think I have gained a few more pounds, but I am not watching it quite as closely as I was for a while. That got to the point where I was checking it several times a day. So I may just wait and see what the doctor say on Tuesday when I go for my ultrasound. I am so excited, I cannot wait for Tuesday to get here. I pray that the baby is good and will show me it's stuff.

Not alot going on around here, the cold weather is finally here, and I love the change. The leaves aren't all that pretty this year, unfortunately due to the drought we had this summer. The farm is always so beautiful when the leaves change, but now they just seem to be falling, with no color at all. I am looking forward to finally having a cool Halloween, usually it is hot out, but this year may be different. Of course I am having a family party at the house. The first year we all dressed up, but ever since, just the kids dress up and we just use it as an excuse to get together and eat a ton of food. Not that I need much of an excuse lately.

Well, I hope everyone is doing well. I am checking blogs regularly, and I still go to PW to check out what's going on, unfortunately its not good lately. And the March Birth club is so busy I can't seem to keep up, so I just go and lurk and see if anything catches my attention. I miss all the ladies, it was nice to have somewhere to go and talk about anything, and know that I was not alone. It was so nice having our board when it was fun. Anyway, take care everyone, and have a great week.

Our Pumpkins

2005-10-20T20:28:00.000-05:00

The burning pit below

2005-10-20T20:07:00.000-05:00

If I had wings and fangs, and prickly spines up my back, I could be a dragon....this burning of indigestion is KILLING ME, DAMMIT. Would you believe that breathing alone gives me indigestion? Yes, it does...isn't that just grand? I swear when my husband pisses me off, I could literally breathe fire at him, and then watch his body smolder while I sob that he didn't carry the trash out before his ashes blow away.

I will be 18 weeks tomorrow...I cannot believe that. It just doesn't seem possible. The thought of bringing home a new baby in just over 20 weeks scares the hell out of me. I should be good at it by now, with the two that I already have, but...maybe that's the problem. I know what having a baby is like, I know that it is like rolling a dice, sometimes you have this wonderful happy baby and other times you have a demon. Like tonight, it was WW3 here at my house with my 2 year old, and my husband says "Hun, the next could be worse", I could've slapped him. I love my daughter, but she is so much like me it is scarey. She is as stubborn as I am, as mean as a snake, and smart to boot. So I simply told Daniel that if the next is like her, we will be hiring a nanny, or he can have me committed. Just to give you an example of my life with a 2 year old...we're potty training. And to those of you who have done this, congratulations! But for my demon like child, it isn't so easy. Some days are excellent, others are hell. And to take into consideration that I am trying to paint my kitchen without her painting her whole body....well, that is a task in itself. I could go on and on about life with a 2 year old, but I'll spare you.

We're dog sitting for my mother in law this week, while she is on vacation. Odie is not real fond of children, ont to the mean point, he just has no tolerance. He is so much like an old man it isn't even funny. He demands his food at 6 am and 4 pm, and his potty breaks get to be a bit much, and the damn thing is scared of his own shadow. My husband and I have nicknamed him pansy-ass.

I went to get my flu shot yesterday. My first flu shot EVER, and possibly my last. My arm still aches ( I know, who's the pansy now). I hate shots though. But I got the kids their shots and we go back in a month for their boosters. Yippee....

Other than that, nothing exciting is going on in my life, other than gaining weight, eating all the time, wanting to sleep all the time and don't forget the burning pit of hell in my chest. We did carve pumpkins the other day. That was an adventure...Gracie got to dig in her own pumpkin, and she liked it eventually. So I may just have to post some pics of that occasion.

I hope everyone is well. Take care everyone.

My Belly

2005-10-11T20:51:00.000-05:00

Here I am at only 16 weeks....eeeeeeekkk!!!

It moved, it really moved!!

2005-10-11T19:17:00.000-05:00

I said I would post....You should have known that I could not hold back! The baby has officially moved. Now on to me being dumb...I think it has been moving for a while without my "realizing" it. See, with the first two, it was these little butterfly like movements, little flutterings. Well, these are no flutters. I am not saying they are hurting, but they are stronger than your average butterfly, more like a bat. I am little shocked at how strong they are to be honest. But it is great to finally know that the baby is moving around freely, until it gets so big that it has absolutely NO room. I am feeling good the last few days. My tummy is feeling rather stretched, and I finally measured my tummy today, I am 34 1/2" around. And if I can get my husband off the couch I will take belly picture and post it...MAYBE. No promises.

Not a lot is going on, just the same old sitting around, and chasing the little one on occasion. I do have some stuff to write about, but that will have to be tomorrow at naptime, I have no brain this late. So, until then, I am out.

Almost 16 weeks

2005-10-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

I figure I sould get my butt in gear and post something before everyone gives up hope on me. Thank you Lesley, for lighting that fire under me to get me to update. I have no excuse other than just not wanting to be on the computer much. The last time I checked on blogs, I read of Ally's loss, and I was devastated. It seems so unfair, and my heart totally goes out to her. Ever since then, I just haven't had much motivation.

I am feeling better. I'm still taking Zofran like it's candy, but I have no choice. It's how I stay out of the hospital. I can't believe that I am still this sick feeling, but oh well. I 've been keeping up with my weight like a hawk...not that I am scared of gaining, but it's nice to gain, when I have tried all my life to gain some weight and never have been able to. I was steady at 115 for several weeks, until a few nights ago, I jumped to 118!! I say it's all boobs, when I am usually a measly B cup (which I am thankful for) and now I am a D cup....it's so humiliating. I think if I still had my normal ones, I would look pregnant, but since my belly has to compete with these monsters above, I just look like I have a pot belly. I'm still getting headaches, quite frequently. The doctor thinks it may be the Zofran...I'm between a rock and a hard place. If I don't take the Zofran, I get sick, if I do take it, I get headaches....go figure. And so far I have not felt the baby move. And I have really been waiting for that to happen. I love that moment when you feel it for the very first time. A life growing inside of you, now moving fo rthe very first time, and you...YOU are the first one to feel it. That, my friend is bonding. Something that not even the father has. I always say, as my kids get older they tend to like their Daddy more, since I am the disciplinarian, the strict one, the one that forces veggies on them, they tend to lean towards him, but i will always have this extra 9 months that he NEVER will have. And that is irreplacable. So that very first movement of my baby is a big moment. One that I try to feel with all my might every day. Believe me, I will blog that day!

My son Chandler is enjoying school, and Gracie is enjoying him being gone for a half day. She takes advantage of the situation and acts out for two kids, rather than her normal demon-like self. I guess she doesn't want me to get used to only having one around. I still have no idea what she will dress as for Halloween...I'm such a slacker. We usually don't take Chandler, it is dark, and he doesn't like that, and he can't eat candy and he hates being strapped in his wheelchair for that long. So we let him stay with grandma, and Gracie goes to get a bag full, and if there is something Chandler can eat, we sneak it to him. She really likes the JoJo costume in the Disney catalog, but $30 for a costume is a bit steep...yes, I'm cheap too. I just have to watch my pennies now since next month is her birthday and then here comes Christmas before we know it. And I always get outta hand with Christmas. I say every year that I will limit my spending, and I never do. By Christmas morning, we have to make a path through the gifts just to get from one side of the room to the other.

Is anyone watching LOST on Wednesday nights? Does that program not ROCK? I love it. Daniel and I curl up on the couch every week and watch it like we are stapled to the couch. And I love how it just draws you back to it every week. I usually hate that about TV, but now, I need something to look forward to every week. And after that we watch Over There on FX( I think) that is an excellent show. I am a war junkie...that sounded bad. Let me say it differently, I love shows and movies about wars.

I opened up my groom shop this week after my two month break. I've been slammed all week, so I am closed tomorrow and for the weekend. I worked myself way to hard the first day, and I regret it. I hate to admit it, but now that I am back at it, I didn't miss it one bit. It's hard work and I am just not up to it, especially the bigger I get....

I just wanted to let everyone at PW TTCOAY know that I still lurk, and I still think of you all often. I just needed a break from the board and I don't feel right going back. I will always be a cheerleader for you ladies, but I don't feel it is appropriate to stay there. I miss you all so much.

Holy crapass batman....

2005-09-13T12:41:00.000-05:00

For some reason, all of a sudden, I look REALLY pregnant. Not just a little but a LOT. It's like the last two days, my belly is out there and staying...meaning I can't blame it on being bloated. It's just weird to see myself in the mirror now and actually see this child. I have not been in my regular clothes in forever...when I get pregnant, my tummy gets really sore feeling, so jeans or any tight clothes are out for me. So for the last several weeks, I have been in anything with an elastic waist which does wonders for the wardrobe. So I am finally in maternity clothes and dealing with the fact that they are too big.

Yesterday Daniel was off and we went out to lunch together. It was actually the first time I have been out to eat since finding out I was pregnant. It's amajor step for someone who's body tries to reject everything it takes in. I was a nervous wreck the whole time, and made him sit close to the restrooms, but I made it, and I ENJOYED it. We had a great day. It was nice to feel normal again.

I talked to him about my fear of going out in public lately, (he really does not seem to understand) and I tried to explain it the only way I know how. When you feel as badly as I have been feeling, and you have trouble making it to the bathroom or to the bed, or to the refrigerator, when it just literally takes everything out of you to change your childs pamper, it does something to you mentally. It becomes more than a physical challenge, it becomes a psychological challenge. You wake up every morning wondering if you will plagued with sickness or if you can go sit in the sun for 5 minutes and enjoy the warmth of it. You get to the point where you feel as if it is completely and totally taking over your body and your mind. You become afraid of eating anything, you become afraid of your child not surviving from the small amounts of food that you can keep down, and you become afraid that if you don't get a handle on it, it will completely grab you and take you down. Each and every day is a struggle to keep my sanity. Knowing deep in my mind that this is in every way affecting my daughter. She knows how bad I am, how sick I am, and she cries with me when I am really down. She is TWO. It scares me to think that I have scarred her, that I am changing, and it is affecting her view of her hero mommy. I am supposed to be the one who wipes her tears and picks her up off the floor, and be there emotionally for her, but lately, I have let her down. I know I have, I can see it in her eyes. She worries for me, and she wipes my brow, and she walks with me to the bathroom. What 2 year old should have to do this for their mommy? When people come to the door, she tells them, "Mommy s-i-c-k"(with 3 syllables) and walks them to the couch that I am forever stuck to. I have forbidden anyone and everyone to mention the words baby and my sickness anywhere close to the same sentence. She will NOT know that this pregnancy is doing this to me. Not yet, I do not want her thinking when this baby comes that IT made me sick, that it was the reason I changed. That is not fair to the baby. I feel like my struggle to stay sane is much easier some days than others, and yesterday was just the uplift that I needed. I have a lot of anxiety in the first place and this has plummeted me deeper into that black hole than I thought possible. I am slowly, but surely coming out, and I can finally see that light saying everything will once again be alright. And at the VERY end of this tunnel, is my baby waiting to greet me with that first cry, you know, the first cry that no mom ever forgets.

I had to get that off my chest, thanks for listening.

A long weekend

2005-09-11T16:47:00.000-05:00

It has been such a long weekend. Daniel had to work and the kids are wild. And it just so happens that I am pooped. I spent Friday night at the ER, nothing new. But I did find out that I have a lovely UTI. UGGGHHHH.......So now, on top of being on meds to keep frfom being sick, (that only work when they choose to) and being on prenatal vitamins that make me want to be sick, now I get antibiotics, too! Yay, me. The good thing was that my iron is still looking very good, which is a big shock, since usually by now I am severely anemic and on iron pills.

Lets see if I can name all of my symptoms...
- morning sickness
- indigestion
- bloated
- cranky as hell
- tired all the time
- hairy belly, I know isn't it sick?
- I've gone from a small B cup to a D cup ....W.O.W.
- cranky as hell
- insomnia
- hungry all the time
- thirsty all the time
- headaches every evening
- constipated....are you really still reading?
- cranky as hell
- emotional, crying at the drop of a hat

This is not a complaint list...I want this baby more than anything. I am thrilled to death to be pregnant, but some days the symptoms get a bit overwhelming. I have found myself getting more excited to buy bedding for the little one. I have found several that I like, so once I find out the sex, if I can, then I think I know what I want. I just have to narrow it down to one.

I'm really pissed at my computer right now, because every time I go to scan my ultrasound pics, it says my scanner is not hooked up...whatever. So hopefully, on Daniels day off this week, he can fix it for me. I realize it has been forever since I posted any pictures.

I got an email from an old friend the other day. I had written her to tell her I was finally pregnant....she replied and said that she has me beat by 4 weeks, she is now 16 weeks pregnant!!! Congratulations, Christen!!

Well, that is about it for me. I have to go see what Chandler is doing. Gracie got tired of hearing "Go check on Bubbie"....she eventually starts to ignore me.

Almost there....

2005-09-07T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am almost to the 2nd trimester, which I know is no real satisfaction to anyone except for me and my husband (who thinks that the vomiting will magically disappear that night). It's a big moment for us. And scarey, too. The thought of being this far into it, it almost doesn't seem possible. Have I really had my head in the toilet this long????

I am still sick, mostly in the mornings, and some evenings, but I know I am putting on weight and that is a great sign. At least the baby is getting what it needs, whether I do or not. That is what the doctor said, and she wasn't really trying to hurt my feelings, but I told her my concerns that the baby was not getting what it needed and she said that the baby gets first pick of everything I eat, that leaves me with the leftovers. yay. No wonder I feel so hungry all the time.

We had a cookout on labor day and it was so nice. The whole fanily got together, my side, and we pretty much knew this was the last time we'd be cooking out for a while since it is already cooling down outside...yay, fall!! But it was the best day I have had in a long time. And there was a ton of good food, already prepared, that meant very little cooking for me and I loved that even more.

Chandler is back in school now and he seems to be loving it. This year he will be going 5 days a week so that may confuse him a little, but I think it is great that he loves it as much as he always has. Gracie is enjoying her time alone with me, although she constantly asks where Chandler is. She's in a big girl bed , which was much easier to do than I thought. For the first few days we kept her baby bed set up, until it became a problem each night that she wanted to get in it, so we took that down and ever since then, she has done really well. My baby is not a baby anymore.

We're still wondreing where the new baby will sleep. If it's a girl, we'll just double them up in a room, but if it's a boy, we're in for some trouble. Chandler can't have anyone in his room, since he gets up and plays most of the night and we leave the lights on for him. So that is totally out of the question. That, and the thought of someone disrupting his routine is just insane. So that is deep in our brains every day, wondering whether or not to add on to the house, or just close in one of the living rooms and make that a bedroom, which I am opting for, but Daniel will have to get rid of his "favorite" couch then...you all know how men are with their favorite peices of furniture.

Well, that's my update. I'm here, and I'm alive. Take care everyone!

I'm here...

2005-08-31T09:18:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the break girls, the sickness has knocked me out for a few days. I went to the hospital again yesterday for IV's....After two days of keeping not one drop of water down, I figured I needed it. Today I feel better, after feeding my veins with exactly what makes them happy...

It was so weird walking back in there after I just had my OB appointment Friday and I felt so good for that! We saw the doctor, the same one that delivered Gracie, and things look pretty good as of Friday. I weigh 113 which is down some, but from being so sick, I figured as much. The baby didn't want t give us a heartbeat so we got anothre u/s, and the little thing was just waving both arms at us like s/he knew we were taking it's picture. Daniel was so happy to see it finally has arms... all of my bloodwork came back good, even my iron was up! Woo-hoo! I won't be getting another u/s until week 20 and that is to find out the sex. So all looks good in baby land.

As of yesterday at the doctor, I am down to 109 pounds, which freaked me out that I could lose that much that quick, but it happens, I know all too well from the last two pregnancies. But once I stop being sick, I put it back on pretty fast.

Has anyone else started looking at baby stuff or is it just me? And if it is just me, am I crazy? I love looking at the cute little clothes. Daniel says we're not buying anything until we find out the sex... I know he will cave, he always does. One days he'll sneak in from work with a cute little outfit or toy or something and think I won't notice.

Has everyone been watching the news coverage of Hurricane Katrina? Is this just not so saddening? I know I am pregnant, but this has made me cry more in the past few days....it just doesn't seem fair. It is such widespread devastation. Please lets pray for these people. Not just the ones who lost their homes, but the ones who have homes to come home to and the guilt they will feel for being spared by the storm.

And on a happy note, now that I trying to catch up on blogs, HOLY COW, ALLY'S HAVING TWINS!!!! YAY ALLY!!!!!!! I know you are so excited, that must have been so shocking to hear that news! I am so happy for you.

For all of you checking the blog, thank you for keeping up with me and sorry for not posting as often as I should.

10 weeks !!

2005-08-23T16:51:00.000-05:00

Now that I am 10 weeks,(well, tomorrow is 10 weeks) I figured I would post an update on what all is going on with the pregnancy and my life as of late...I am not showing anymore, sadly, because of the weight I have lost from being sick all the time. I have not weighed myself, but I know that I have lost, becasue I took a picture of my tummy at 7 weeks and was bigger than it is now. The last time I ent to the ER and they knocked me out, I didn't ask for any medication which was a big no-no, since I ran out two days later which led to yet another day of kneeling to the porcelain god. After one day of that, my dear thoughtful husband who is getting sick of my being sick called the OB doctor. "We're sorry, but until she sees us for her initial appointment, we can't help you, you have to take her back the ER". So my appointment isn't until this Friday, so I then called the ER to explain and that did no good. So then as I cried into the telephone at my husband, and he probably had his ears plugged, he decided to be a saint and call the flight doctor that works at the airport and get him to call in the prescription. Oh, that man is my hero. So today has been a good day, aside from some nausea, I have been able to eat and drink and atleast move from the couch. And the weirdest thing is that I am craving milk. I can't get enough of it. For those of you that don't know this...I HATE MILK. So I have been eating bowl after bowl of cereal trying to get some food in with the milk. The favorite for this week is fruit loops. Last week was apple jacks.

As far as the family....um.....Chandler goes to school in a week, which will be a blessing. He hates being home now, and he needs the change. He loves his school and his teacher and classmates, and that is fine with me. And it will give me a little one on one time with Gracie. She definitely needs it, she is getting a little pissy with me for being so self-involved lately. She gets a little angry when she sees me hanging my head in the toilet all the time and needing to rest so often. She's 2, what can I expect?

My excursion to the ER...

2005-08-19T16:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was an awful day, I woke up sick and never could hold anything down, so finally at 10:30pm last night, my husband dragged me to the ER. I have been having some cramping down low and was really worried about it, since it seemed to get worse as the day wore on. They wanted to give me an ultra sound which made me and DH very happy, so he could finally shut up about me having twins. No, there is just one bean in there. It's name for now is pea. The baby is doing just fine and measuring at 9 weeks 1 day. It seemed a little lazy, but she said when they are that small, that's what they do. I have never had a u/s this early on, soI had no clue what to expect. After that fun was over, they gave me IV's, and phenergan which knocked me out before the nurse as done taping the IV to my arm (or so my husband says, I was in lala land) I don't even remember coming home, and my Mom (who was at my hous watching the kids) says I never even spoke to her as I fell in the door. ThenI found my way to the bathroom to begin vomiting all over again. Yay....Then sometime after that Daniel must have tucked me in, because all I remember is waking up this morning at 10:30. Oh, and he says I talk in my sleep when I am on drugs....thanks alot.

So all in all, it was a good evening that I got to see the baby and know that it is okay. Oh and the cramping the doctor said was due to all the vomiting. I also have sore ribs and tummy, I really get into being sick I guess. So as soon as I am over my sickness, which may be as much as 6 more weeks, depending on how much my body wants to toy with me, I plan to schedule my DEAREST hubby to get fixed. I'm thinking of taking him to he veterinarian that my brother works for, maybe they'll give me a discount. I am so evil.

I am posting my u/s pics as soon as I figure out how to get my head out of a bucket. Yes, I typed this with a bucket in hand. I am so talented. You know they say Moms can do everything. Thanks for sticking with me this long. You are very kind people.

Oh, and big shout out to THE PREGNANT ALLY!!!!!! You Go Girl!!

Wooooo-Hoooooo!!!! Yeah! Congrats!

I'm back from vacation!!

2005-08-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

We arrived home Friday and I have slept most of the weekend...I am still sick as a dog. I was sick, but not too bad while we were on vacation. But we managed.

I am glad to be home and back in my normal routine, sleeping late, not worrying about keeping much of a schedule...I am still taking this next week off from work to try and get my body back in order from being sick. The medicine they put me on is only working when it wants to, but at least it works part time, right?

Today is my birthday...I turned 30 at 12:35am. Yay, me. My husband is a little upset because he wanted to take me out to dinner, but there is NO chance of that. Eating in public is something I don't do during these first few months, since I never know if my meal with stay with me.

Anyway, that's my update. I am going back to the couch.

Where have I been?

2005-07-30T17:57:00.000-05:00

I have not been able to post in a while, so I figured I should for now. First off, thanks for all the well wishes and thoughts and prayers from you all. It really helps me through the days.

I am sick now, which I knew I would be. I can't believe that I was wishing to be sick just so I could feel pregnant....I have not had to go to the hospital yet which is a record for me! Yay me!! I can only eat a few bites of anything and just sip on drinks, but I keeping MOST of it down, with very little vomiting (sorry, TMI) so I guess you could say I am staying hydrated. I will say I am weaker than I have been in a long time. I guess it is the anemia settling in, something we'll take care of when I go see the doctor. I can't seem to pull myself out of the bed and if I do I quickly shuffle my feet to the couch...and sleep. So, as of now, things are okay. I have yet to make my doctor appointment, simply because I want to wait until we get back from vacation. (We leave for vacation next Friday) So I guess I will see the doctor around mid August, or late August. Yikes....I hate doctors.

Well, I am going to make my way back to the couch now. My husband is already probably getting tired of me laying around, but here's me for the next few months!

Everyone take care and I'm lurking on PW when I can!

An update

2005-07-17T17:54:00.000-05:00

I guess I should give an update, since I have been so self absorbed the last few days....I feel fine. I am having a bit of cramping, but not really cramping, I guess you could say it's more stretching than cramping...I'm really tired, and I am starving all the time....I eat about every 3 hours, and when I wake up in the mornings, I am shaking I am so hungry. Very different from my last two pregnancies. According to my calculations, and don't put money on this, I am 5 weeks along. I am putting off going to the doctor, simply because I know I am fine, I want to enjoy it for a month without appointments, etc. And we are going on vacation soon, and I really want to wait till I get back to schedule it. And the best news ever!!!! I AM NOT SICK YET!!!! Not that that news doesn't scare me just a little, but I am knocking on wood as I type this. With both of my previous pregnancies, I was sick by week 5....and I'm not now! I will say I get a bit nauseaus feeling on occasion, especially when I am hungry, but I am keeping that at bay. I am so freaking bloated, my pants are tight by the end of every day, so I go for the sweats at night just to be comfie. I know they say you stretch much faster the more pregnancies you have gone through and I totally see it. Yes, even after 5 weeks. But I am still ecstatic about it all, and Daniel is still excited too! he usually gets bored by now, he says 9 months is too long to wait to see it. he feels "left out" during this phase. I'd glady let him carry a baby.....and deliver! Thank you again for all the well wishes and the congrats, it really means the world to us! And to my girls at PW TTCOAY, I am sticking around, don't worry, I just can't leave you yet. You all mean so much to me.

We did it!!

2005-07-14T14:14:00.000-05:00

I have no idea how to even put this, other than just saying it....

I am pregnant.

I am still in shock, I am speechless.

I'll write more when I have a brain.

2005-07-13T14:29:00.000-05:00

I got this from a friend of mine....heheheheee.....

An elephant asks a camel: "Why are your breasts on your back?" Well" says the camel, "I think thats a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"

Where is she?

2005-07-13T13:46:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's the day for AF to show her face and she is not here....don't play with me...I'm not in the mood for games. Fertility Friend says I can test tomorrow, but do I really want to get my hopes up that much between now and then? I'll admit it, two weeks ago, I said to heck with trying and getting excited...but now, knowing that I could test if I wanted to do so...I'm a little hopeful. Okay, I lied....I am REALLY hoping that this is it for me. I have no symptoms of AF showing up. The last few days I have eaten like a cow, but I think that is simply because we were on a little vacation. But then last night at bedtime, I started getting this pulling in my stomach, mostly on the sides of it. It was not cramps, I know that...but what the heck was it? And do I even want to get my hopes up, only to be possible let down and mope around for the next few days? Oh, and Daniel says that I am pregnant...I wish he would wuit doing that. he says my mood is not at all like I am ready to start, and I'm eating a "butt load" in his exact words.

I survived the trip to Roanoke just fine. We were not at her house much since we ran most of the time, so there wasn't time to feel the awkwardness of it all. All in all, it was a good trip and the church services were excellent. I am so glad we were able to go this year.

I don't have much to report on, oh, I did get to see a really close friend of mine while we were in Roanoke, she is pregnant due in about 4 weeks. It was so good to see her.And Gracie is at dance class right now with her grandma (my mom). I had some things to do, so I figured I would use her since she keeps saying she would love to see her go to dance. It's probably the last time she ever makes a comment like that again....ha ha.

Well, I hope everyone is well. I'm thinking of you all!

2005-07-08T16:30:00.000-05:00

For those of you wondering where my boy is, here's Chandler. He is just not fond of having pictures taken. But he's here, and Happy!!!!

It rains!!!!

2005-07-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

It finally rained here last night...the first rain we have had in what seems like forever. Leftovers from Cindy, but we'll take what we can get at this point. It gives me a break from carrying water to the garden, that's for sure! Of course it had to hit while my mom and I were in town. I have always wondered why you see people pull over on the side of the road when it rains hard...are they just old, dumb, what? Until last night....I had to pull over....TWICE. Go ahead and laugh. But I literally could not tell where the road was, all I saw was my windshield with rain being thrown around. It was a very sick feeling, I will say. So I promise never to make fun of people again who pull over in the rain. I will say in my defense that it was just starting to get dark and the entire world around me seemed to be that nasty color of gray, you know that gray when you can't even see clouds, it's just a wall of downpouring rain all around you and there is no end in sight. That kind of rain...

I am trying to get packed up to go to my mother in laws house on Sunday. I have to work tomorrow, so I won't have much of a chance to do it then. I'm not really looking forward to going, I have a lot of anger and bitterness towards the woman, that maybe I shouldn't have, but I can't seem to get over it. It's one where I take up for my husband no matter what, and she is one who runs over him at any given chance. It breaks my heart to see him get so excited to go visit her and within minutes of us being with her, she deflates his bubble. It's like a beaten dog, they ALWAYS go back to their owner. His mom is German ( and I like German people, I have many friends that are German) but she is the strict, tight lipped, stern jawline type that will cut your throat as quickly as she can say her daily devotions. She holds back nothing...EVER. She had a rough life, or so she says, I just think she was raised with a strict hand. Her Mom died when she was young, only to be left with her father, "Opa" to me, and two older brothers. She met Daniels dad in the army while he was stationed in Germany and she moved to the states at 18 to marry him. From what she tells me, it was rough. Daniels Dad on the other hand was a very kind, gentle man who would do anything for you. And he dearly loved his grandchildren, even Chandler, which is something I don't think my MIL does. (in her defense, if she does, she has a horrible way of showing it. She has told me that she is very uncomfortable with his disability and she does not know how to love him....funny, I thought love was just something that was there automatically.) But, in September 2002 when I was 7 months pregnant with Grace we got the terrible phone call that Daniels dad had died while vacationing at the Outer Banks. He had drowned. It was devastating, and at one certain point during the phone call I couldn't help holding my ever stretching belly wondering if this was the kind of stress that caused a miscarriage. We went to Roanoke the next morning and stayed there for a week to take care of the funeral, family and getting his mom back on her very numb feet. It was the roughest week of our adult lives. I had lost family members, I had lost friends, but all at a younger age and since I was an adult this was the first loss that made such an impact on my life. Daniel never really mourned his father. He still has not. I know that one day, could be soon or could be much later on, that I will have to drop my life and take care of my husband when it finally hits him. Daniel has changed so much since that event that I don't think I will ever see the "old" Daniel. He has aged so much since then, in looks and actions. But since then, his mom has changed also. I know it is going to happen when anyone loses a spouse, but she has become very self involved. She makes little attempt to be with her family, she works constantly, and is very into money. I know that sounds weird but I saw a side of her come out when he died that I did not know was really there. She likes money (who doesn't, right?) But when the life insurance claim(S) came rolling in, both my husband and his brother became very aware of what they were dealing with. I am not saying she is a millionare by any means, but she has the means to live very comfortably for the rest of her days and probably for both of her sons days also. Daniel and I have always been "paycheck to paycheck" kind of people. We work hard for our money and we use it when it needs to be used and not any other time. His brother has an easy desk job and makes 4 times what we make and his wife has the privelage to work if she wants to or just keep the kid in daycare and spend her days shopping. I like that kind of life...at least I dream about it and I think I like the dreams. But when we go to Roanoke, and we drive the same vehicle for years and years and years...and we have the same clothes until they fall apart, or we outgrow them, we get looked at funny. Not saying we are the Beverly Hillbillies, but we just don't throw stuff away probably as quick as some other people do. I can't afford to get haircuts once a week or tanning booths or nail treatments, when I do that is a luxury, believe me. But his mom always seems to think that we could do better in another town, like HERS or something...I will tell you, I grew up in Roanoke, and it has grown up too much while we were in Germany. I like the small town life, I love the farm that we live on, I love the privacy of being able to walk outside in the middle of the night in my nightgown and looking at the stars and not worrying about cars going up and down the road at all hours. So I don't ever see myself living in Roanoke again. I will probably eat my words one day, but as for now, I see myself here, where my children are rooted. Oh, God....I've rambled..... So when I say I am kind of dreading going to Roanoke, there isn't just one simple thing that bugs me about it, but there are tons of things. Geez, I could go on and on....

On the TTC front, I am on CD 22...waiting to see if I can join Heather, Chasity and Jenn... I am not sure if I will continue to try next month since we are going on vacation, this month is so messed up as it is....hopefully I am pregnant now and I won't have to worry about "not trying".
We'll see.

I hope everyone has a good weekend and I will try to update over the next few days, if I can get to a computer. Take care everyone!!

2005-07-07T13:56:00.000-05:00

2 years 8 months....my baby is growing up so fast.

2005-07-07T13:54:00.000-05:00

Another shot of the GREEN shoes...blech...

2005-07-07T13:52:00.000-05:00

Shoe Queen...I used to be the shoe queen, until Gracie came along. these are some she just had to have.....I know that line all too well...

2005-07-05T16:05:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a good Fourth of July. Ours was pretty good. It was relaxing, and I ate until I almost popped, so that was a day in itself. The day didn't start off too good...I woke up to my deep freezer completely thawed and a HUGE puddle of water in the floor around it. I'll make it short and sweet for you, Sunday night, I was craving some ice cream...of course Daniel had eaten the last of it and put the empty container back in the freezer...so I got a bit pissed, slammed the door, which I guess it didn't like and somehow, someway, it bounced back open and I didn't know about it. (The freezer is in the laundry room, so we didn't see it before we went to bed)....so I woke up to lots of spoiled food, a huge mess to clean up and a good cry at the start of the day. Oh well, it happened, I can't change it, so I got over it.

So we're back to the work week, Daniel is working overtime today, but we get a long weekend coming up, too! We're going to Roanoke to stay with his Mom and to go to our church conference and Power Rally. It is an amazing experience. It is two nights of services that will knock your socks off. It's well worth the drive. And his Mom can watch the kids for us! Yay!

Not much else to report here, I am in the two week wait....not really holding my breath, I will be happy if I am pregnant, if not, oh well....Everyone take care!

My rambling...

2005-07-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

I got an email from my best friend today saying that maybe I should take the summer off from TTC.....I honestly have been thinking about it. When Gracie hid my BBThermometer, I couldn't help thinking maybe this is what I need, maybe I am in need of a break. I go on vacation the second week of August and I don't know if I want to drag my notbook and thermometer with me or not. What fun would that be to have to wake up at 6:10 am every morning? So many people get pregnant when they stop trying, or so I hear....but what does it mean to "stop trying"? I mean, we'll still be having sex primarily to get pregnant, right? And yeah so they say just have fun with sex, um.....well, nevermind. So I may take her advice and see what happens with it. I mean the summer only has what like two months left, well, until school starts and then I may start my temping back up when school starts back up. But you know, also, every time I got to the bathroom and see CM, how the heck do you not jump his bones "trying to get pregnant"? I'm a worrier by nature so it may not work at all, but we'll see. But also, I really want a summer baby, (yes, I am being picky here). But really, if I was to get pregnant now, I'd be due in what, like April-ish? But if I was to wait till school starts, if for some reason I was to get pregnant right away, I could have the hot summer baby...what d'ya think? I know, wishful thinkin, huh.

As far as anything else in life, it is pretty dull around here. I'm trying to catch up on house work but I find myself sitting and eating an awful lot, too. It's so hot outdoors and the humidity is so stinkin high, I don't even want to go out. Sadly, I have not been in the pool once this year. I'm pathetic.

On a good note....ATTENTION EVERYONE***** I have quit biting my nails!!! I know, it's a nasty habit, and one that I have done all my life. I'm not just a nail biter, but a nub biter I should say. I quit biting them two and a half weeks ago and I still have nails!! I have not caved once! Yay for me!!*****

Oh, and an update on the kid...my little girl is starting to talk. You may recall that she was a bit delayed in the speech area and we tossed around the idea of therapy, but we opted not to just yet and it paid off. She is talking...on her own terms but it is coming along slowly but surely. There are days that she talks alot and others that she doesn't say one word...go figure. But she didn't start in small words, she has started in sentences....like for instance the other day I came in from work and crashed on the floor to cool off for a minute and she comes over to me, pulls my hair from my face and says "Mommy, you kay? Mommy was wrong?" If I had not been in the floor already I would have fallen out. Why do our kids worry us so much? Do they get jelly beans during the night for worrying us or something? She is saying a lot more than that too, she told me one day "Mommy, I see a bug...mommy, yook, dead bug!" Hooray for Gracie! Any one have any ear plugs now?....

The family cat...

2005-06-30T17:03:00.000-05:00

This is Coconut. She is very much a kitten in the
way she stalks people and then tries to eat you for dinner. Especially at night when you are cutting the lights out to go to bed and just before you jump into bed, she darts out from under the bed and clenches onto your ankles...it's a most wonderful feeling. But she's been fun to watch with the kids... And any animal willing to put up with my kids is worthy of gold. Here's to Coconut!!

The Deer

2005-06-30T16:50:00.000-05:00

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen? Well, other than kittens. And God knows kittens are adorable, then they grow up into fat lazy cats....

This deer is only a few days old, and was brought into the vet clinic because it's legs are deformed. All the more reason to fall in love with it. They really are not sure why it is colored the way it is, but even if it were hot pink, it would still be cute.

I'm not exactly sure why it was brought in, but lately, there have been 3 brought in. All of them within about 2 months time. Another one was attacked by a dog, and is currently in la la land living it up on pain killers and another one is just living it up being fed cat food and warm milk. Isn't that the life? Well, except for the cat food. And if you get close enough to this one, it sucks on your nose, or maybe my nose just resembles a deer boobie.

I'm in high gear

2005-06-28T20:21:00.000-05:00

So I have not posted anything worth reading in the last few weeks...I'm total crap. Bare with me while I rant a little about my last week or so. It is hot as hell here in Virginia. My groom shop has been slammed with business and I have no air conditioning. I am dying in there every day while the little pooches get their asses shaved. Yes, those perky little pups pay my bills, but I am losing weight as if I have spent mega bucks at a sauna. So even though the outside temperature is in the 90's, with the hot water, driers and panting dogs, it's more like 110 inside. So as you might have figured out by now, I am doing absolutely nothing this weekend until I have air installed. I'm digging my heels in until I have what I want. So far Daniel says it will be in by noon Saturday. I love getting what I want...it's so easy.

On the TTC front, I am hopefully ovulating today or tomorrow. My temp has not spiked yet, but I have other signs, you know the crap that no one really likes to talk about expect us ladies at PW. So tonight we are babydancing like there is no tomorrow, and then when tomorrow does come, we'll be repeating today! Yippeeeee......

Daniel and I went to get tires on his truck this evening. It turned out to be one of those evenings that we should have stayed at home. We even had a babysitter for once! We're walking around Wal Mart when we get the page to come back to the tire department...surely it could not be done in 12 minutes...the idiot, and I mean idiot, chuckles and says that 4 workers could not get the lug nuts loosened. Okay, I'm flaming mad and my husband usually takes things much calmer than I do, but not tonight. Granted he didn't go off on the guy he just ranted all the way home. So you are telling me that a tire shop cannot and does not even have the tools to loosen lug nuts? That is their JOB!!!!!!!! So Daniel asks if they can just break the nuts off and replace them. Uh, no we really don't sell nuts. You freaking MORON....you are Wal Mart, you sell everything and do I need to remind you that you run a tiiiiiire shoppppp? What the hell is the purpose of your existance then? Other than to sit in your garage and tell dirty jokes about ass that you are not getting every night? I was so furious that we have gone to the trouble to get a babysitter and got nothing out of the evening. Aside from the fact that it only took an hour of our time to drive out there and back home. Sheesh! I'm done with Wal Mart. (for today, since it is the only thing in this hole of a town)

My daughter has hit an all time hyperness level that I did not know existed. She has been wild for days now and I am in a blur just trying to watch her, much less keep up with her. I swear she is hurricane Grace, she can come into a room, and within about 4.2 seconds, the room is completely torn apart! Yesterday while acting like an angel sitting on the stool at my groom table, I thought she was being good and sitting quietly, well, that is what I get for thinking. it was only a little while later that I found out she was in the process of quietly stuffing dog treats down into my hair drier....yogurt bites to be exact. So for the rest of the day and all day today I am waiting on the stinking, burning stinch of dog treats to fade away. But to my surpirse as they start to burn off, I am drying this very cute little white dog and little chunks of melted dog treat start blowing from the dryer onto her freshly washed hair...my first reaction is to wipe them off, my first BIG mistake, they only smear when they are hot. By then I am furious, and Grace has moved on to her next adventure for the day. This consisited of her crumbling peanut butter crackers on top of another "freshly groomed dog" ready to go home. I'm not even going to continue, she just is WILD. Tom Cruise can kiss my ass saying kids shouldn't take Ritalin....just wait till he has his own little demon to chase around. Oh, my bad, he has a nanny to raise his children. How dumb can I be?

I hope everyone has big plans for the 4th of July...we're doing the same thing this year that seems to be our family's new tradition since we have moved here. We always get together for a cook out around lunch time, then spend the day together swimming, or playing volleyball, or horse shoes (which I might add that I kick ass at) or just laying around and then we got to the airport and listen to the bands, eat more and watch the fireworks. Last year we came home from the fireworks and set off a few of our own until my Moms dog got loose and tried to eat an already lit firework, then we decided that it maybe was not worth it. But I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend planned. I still can't believe that July is almost here.

Toodles...

Yep, I'm from Virginia...

2005-06-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

You Know You're From Virginia When...

Speed limits are just suggestions

You have at least two friends who have no idea what their relatives do...because its "top secret" government work

Most of your senior class wend to Mason, JMU, Tech, VCU or UVA

When people ask where you're from, you tell them DC because its easier to explain

You've never told someone you're from Virginia without putting "northern," "central," or "southern" in front of it (See above.)

It's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you.

You know yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through. (Yeah, man...at least. Probably also happens everywhere else.) A red light means 2 more can.

You actually know what the black boxes at stoplights are for.

Despite the fact that Virginia fought for the south in the Civil War, you are not, under any circumstances, a "southerner" **Correction: I am proud to be from the south**

You are amused by visiting relatives who are actually excited to see Washington, DC

You took a field trip to Williamsburg as a kid

You are amazed when you go out of town and the people at McDonalds speak English

You or someone in your family has a Smart Tag

An inch of snow and you miss 3 days of school

All the potholes just add a little excitement to your driving experience

Crown Victoria = undercover cop

Subway is a fast food place. The transportation system is known as Metro, and only Metro.

They just tore down the old farm house across the street and put 12 new McMansions in its place

For the cost of your house, you could own a small town in Iowa

If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have three new names.

You have to dial the area code to call your neighbor

"Vacation" means spending a day at King's Dominion or Busch Gardens.

"Going to the River" means any stream with water.

You have never been served tea without the waitress asking "sweet or unsweetened?"

Your favorite past time is telling West Virginia jokes.

Anyone who can't trace his or her ancestry back to at least four generations in Virginia is an outsider.

"Going to the beach" means anywhere from Ocean City to Virginia Beach to Myrtle Beach.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Virginia.

Get Your Own "You Know You're From" Meme Here

More cool things for your blog at
Blogthings

A CD Update

2005-06-20T21:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, all of you who are interested in my cycles....AF showed on Friday....what a wonderful way to start the weekend. So today I am on CD 4 and she is almost gone and we can move on to BD'ing. Thank GAWD.....

The weekend was okay, it was not warm enough to go swimming as we had planned, so we hung around the house. Daniel was off today, so we took the kids shopping...well, we took ourselves shopping and bought a ceiling fan for the bedroom. I finally found one I liked and that matched the furniture. I am really happy with it. I started painting the bedroom this weekend, too. I forgot what a pain in the butt painting is. I used to enjoy it, but now it's just work.

The groom shop is going okay, I seem to be busy again with it, now that the weather is in the 90's. But I'm not complaining. I just wish I made more money....don't we all. Sorry I have not been around mush on PW....I lurk, and I am praying for all you gals. I hope to get on more this week when things slow down. I just take advantage of when Daniel is home, since he never seems to be.

Hugs to you all! Lesley, I am sorry she showed up. Heather and Chas, still SO happy for you! Ally, I glad to see you are back and feeling much better, and Jaime, I am sorry about the crap with the insurance company. Jenn, I am still holding out hope for you. And everyone else, we are all on our way to getting our BFP's!! Smile, girlies!!

Not much going on

2005-06-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

I guess I should update since it has been so long. There is not a lot going on lately. School is out for the summer, and Chandler is handling the change well so far. Gracie has started dance class now. Her first class was yesterday, and she did awesome. It was hard to get her to go without me, but once she was in the class, it went very well. I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall to see how she did. I posted pictures below of the special occasion. I just can't believe how big she is getting. I am losing the little baby that I once had and now she is becoming the little girl that I always wanted. I miss my baby though. I miss the way she needed me for everything and how she was dependant on me for things. It is hard to let go of the things like that. And it kills me to think that I may not ever experience these things again. I just don't know if we will ever have another child. Maybe it is not God's plan, maybe I should just be happy with what I have got. I feel so torn because Daniel and I want another child so badly, but then again, maybe it's not in our cards. So are we supposed to keep trying and stressing and going through the let down each month, or do we just give up and make the most of what we have now? I don't expect and answer, I just need to air this crap.

We are taking the kids to the lake on Saturday. I figure we need to get Chandler in the water and since our pool is not ready yet, we'll go and make a day of it. He was supposed to do aquatics therapy this summer, but he can't do it until we get his tummy straightened out.

Summer is finally here, it has been high 90's all week. And with the humidity and heat index, you can call it over a hundred. It's sad when I have to wait till almost 9 pm to mow the yard, but it beats going out and baking in the heat. On the other hand this weather has been awesome for my tomatoes. I may just have to post a picture of them. This is the first year I have ever had luck with tomatoes. As it looks now, I will have enough to share with the neighbors! I know my Granddad could use them. He is getting too old to take care of his garden this year and it is really bothering him to see everyone else's gardens doing so well. But at 94, he really should be ready to sit back and relax some, you'd think.

On the TTC front, today is AF day, I am sure she will be here before night fall. And what is weird is that I really could care less. Back to trying as soon as she leaves I guess. It's just weird how some months it can make me an emotional wreck and others....woopty doo. I know I haven't been on PW much lately. I still lurk, but just don't post real often. I just need some time to think. But I still pray for you girls every night.

Everyone take care and have a great weekend!

2005-06-16T12:55:00.000-05:00

This is at the dance studio after her very first lesson! My baby is growing up...

2005-06-16T12:54:00.000-05:00

Gracie getting ready to leave for her lesson.

2005-06-10T17:30:00.000-05:00

Break time for Dad and play time for Gracie...isn't she cute?

2005-06-10T17:28:00.000-05:00

Here's me...

2005-06-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

And of course it wouldn't be complete without something breaking. (That's my Daddy)

2005-06-10T17:26:00.000-05:00

more hay...

2005-06-10T17:24:00.000-05:00

This is the one and only reason that Daniels truck broke down from. TOO MUCH HAY...

I'm sorry, girls...

2005-06-04T17:21:00.000-05:00

I know I have been AWOL at PW lately. I have no good excuse. Other than the fact that I am feeling pretty down, and this has been a bad week. I have not felt good at all, and for no reason, it's not like I'm pregnant or anything. As a matter of fact, according to FF, I have not even ovulated yet...and I'm on CD 16. I have been at it with my Mom, well, not literally. I am just pissed at her, I have way too much going on to even start rambling on about. My son is having more trouble in school...they fed him a food for lunch on Thursday that he CANNOT eat, two doctors notes and a note from me evidently does not spell it out enough for the teachers. So I have been paying for that ever since Thursday. I am in such a rut that I can't seem to come out of, and it is really getting old.

I know we all have these weeks, and this sadly, is my week. I know I have let a lot of you down. I'm sorry. I am so, so , so happy for Chasity and Heather. Chasity, I hope you have a wonderful, uneventful 9 months, and Heather I hope you are carrying as many babies as you want, if it's just one, then let it be one, if you want 3 then here's to carrying 3 healthy babies to term.

I am almost to the point where I say I am ready to take a break from TTC. We have been hard at it for so long now, and I am tired. Just flat out tired. I called my insurance company the other day and they said I do have maternity coverage, as if I would ever get pregnant, but they do not cover any fertility treatment. As if I could ever afford that on my own. So with that said, I guess I can either pray that it happens, or I can just give up. And right now, I am in no position to make that decision. I remember a few weeks ago, someone on PW said they were feeling depressed, and I preached to them that she needed to be in the right frame of mind for when she does get pregnant....who am I to preach it if I am not in the frame of mind to bring a child into the world?? I know that when I see that pregnancy test, I will fall to peices, and be so overjoyed, but for now, while we are trying, I need to get my head right. It isn't fair to my husband or to my kids.

I hope this makes SOME sense, if not I apologize. I just wanted to let you know that I am okay, just in a rut. A funk....a nasty funk. But I am lurking on PW, just not doing a lot of posting.

Thanks for caring, it means so much to me.

I'm feeling a little s-s-s-sicckkkk...

2005-05-31T17:35:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what is going on with me! The weekend was good. We got all our chores done, and even had a cookout yesterday for Memorial Day. My allergies have been bothering me some, but nothing I can't handle. But today, oh my goodness....I feel like CRAP. I am so nauseas, I just wish I would go ahead and throw up rather than be nauseas. I hate this feeling. What I hate even more is not knowing what it is. I know, I am whining...sorry. If it is a bug, I just hope I don't give it to my kids. That is the last thing we all need.

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. Sorry, I am going back to bed now.

A Sad Day...

2005-05-28T14:25:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a terrible day at the PW site. Our friend Jennie, lost her baby boy at 20 weeks, due to an infection. Jennie, her husband and her extended family are all in my thoughts and prayers. All the girls at PW have been so very suuportive and have been wonderful through this hard time. Please continue to pray for Jennie through this sad time.

At the same time, we are able to be joyful, since our friend Heather just found out she is pregnant!! Way to go, Heather! I am so thrilled for you. I pray that you will have a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy. You have given us girls a reason to celebrate, to know that it can happen!

On the TTC front, I am on CD 8...waiting to O, and FF will probably get me messed up this month, since I woke up this morning with a fever...freggin allergies. I just hope it doesn't try and think I ovulated.

I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend. Be safe!!

Where the hell is spring???

2005-05-25T15:31:00.000-05:00

I am so sick of cool weather. Is it ever going to warm up around here? I planted my garden weeks ago, nothing came up...so I had to replant my cucumbers, still NOTHING...I am getting sick of it, frankly. I would just love to have a warm day that we can enjoy without having to wear jackets and jeans. The pool will never be warm enough to swim in. Poor Gracie just goes and stares at it.

On the dreaded TTC front, I am on CD 5 waiting to ovulate. I am anxious to try again, but this waiting is getting old. It's weird how some days I have no problem with the wait at all, then other days, I just want to cry wanting a baby. So today I found myself looking at pictures of when I had Gracie. She was such a pretty baby. Gosh, she looked like a doll. Then I wandered into the pregnancy photos...BIG mistake. I was crying before I knew it...stupid me. When I was pregnant I felt SO fat, but looking back on it, I really didn't get all that big. But I would do it all over again in a heart beat if God wanted me to. I'd be delighted to! Heck, I'd be ecstatic...so whenever, God...I'm here waiting.

I hope everyone has big plans for Memorial Day weekend. I on the other hand have chores to do. As you may know, we live on a farm, and the hay is ready to be cut and bailed...which will take all weekend. Then Monday, Daniel has to work, so no celebrating for us. I will be sure to take pictures of the blessed event of 'getting up hay' for you all to see. Loads of fun...NOT. Hopefully the weather will cooperate for us. If not, we're screwed.

Chandler is home sick from school. Well, not really sick. He has a tummy problem that he's had for years, and we now get to take him to a pediatric GI specialist to get it fixed. Hopefully, they can fix it...if not, we're in for a long lifetime of poopie. I know, TMI, sorry. I went ahead and pulled him out of school early for the year until we can get it straight. I got tired of sending him to school and picking him up after a few hours of being there. I also got tired of hearing his teacher talk aboout how bad it is to change him so many times a day. Try being his Mom....yes, he is difficult, DEAL WITH IT...I don't even get paid for it, she does!! Sorry, venting.

Ladies of PW, I really hope we are in for BFP's soon. The board is getting depressing. We all deserve it so much. Heather, I am praying your beans implanted...Lesley, I hope things get better for you soon. I know how hard this has all been for you. Ally, I hope your house sells, and you get to buy the house of your dreams. I also hope you can get your BFP before you have to find an RE in SA. Everyone else, good luck for those of you in the 2ww...here's to a board full of BFP's!!

BBT Nosedive

2005-05-20T15:27:00.000-05:00

Need I say more?

What a pathetic way to start the weekend. Thanks girls for all the well-wishes....

Happy weekend everyone!

Playing catch up

2005-05-18T08:07:00.000-05:00

I realize I have not written in a while...things have been busy here. So today I am playing catch up. Of course PW is down, so that in itself pisses me off. It seems like every time I turn around something is messed up with it. I went shopping with my Mom yesterday, and that was nice. I had Gracie with me, and she actually did okay to be shopping. She really hates going out. We went out for lunch and she acted so good! I really didn't have to speak to her all that often about her actions, and it was just a nice treat for me.

I need to back track, over the weekend, Daniel graduated from college. The graduation was Friday night at 6:30. The thing that sucked was he had to be there an hour early, and the college is an hour away, so we left at 4:30, got there at 5:30, the kids were awful even on the road, so that was the setup for the evening. My mother in law was with us, which was even worse. Chandler had to be taken out before 6...I was so stressed out, I could have cried. But we eventually made it through the night. The ceremony took 2 hours, then we all went out to dinner and didn't get home until after midnight, but it was worth it to see him accomplish this. He has worked so hard for so long on this, and it is not easy taking classes in the evening, part time, and taking care of a family, too. He really worked hard. I love you, hun!

The weekend was nice, my brother came in town Saturday to spend the day so we all got together for a cookout. Daniel had to work the weekend, so he couldn't be here. My allergies have decided to kick in strong again. It's just that time of year. It's also time to cut hay and get it up for the cows...I dread this time of year. It takes so much work to get ready for the winter, and I know they need it to eat, but it just seems like they eat so freggin much!But it has to be done. Actually twice more this summer. yay....

On the TTC front, I'm on CD 26, and so far no AF in sight. I probably just jinxed myself, but I am happy to report that I have not even thought about testing yet. I'm so proud of myself. And my temps are still looking good, they keep going up so we'll cross our fingers and hope for the best.

I hope everyone is doing good. I feel like I have been a stranger on PW lately, I try to catch up when I can, but that is about it. I hope all the girls are doing well. Take care! And hoping for lots of BFP's!!

Saturday afternoon

2005-05-07T11:52:00.000-05:00

I think I O'd today. This was the first day of having a high temp, so we'll say I did. Wow, it took forever this month (CD 15). The bad thing is that we didn't BD today, since Daniel had to work, and I was too lazy to get my tail up. So, we have been doing it every other day for the "just in case I O"...hopefully it worked. I know I go through this every month of telling you guys "hey, I hope I got pregnant" So for those of you still willing to read, God bless you sweet people. I know I am boring.

I was made aware that my ten year high school reunion is coming up soon. I know I really want to go, but really it is just to be nosey and see how bad people look after ten years. I know I am horrible. But then I started thinking about it, and to be honest, there is only one person I would like to see. They know who they are....I have been through so much with that person that I just don't know what I would do if I saw them. You were just a friend while we were in school, until years later I finally realized that you were like a best friend to me. Then it all clicked that you stood by me through a lot of crap with my ex-shithead...Sorry, but I only speak the truth here. And I really wish that I could just thank you in person for staying by me through it all and still understanding what a nut head I really am. But I doubt that I will go to the reunion...too much anxiety over one simple night. And if it is meant to be, then I will run into that person eventually. I did run into my ex-shithead a few years ago and it was so nice to know that I had only gained about 5 pounds and gave birth twice while all he had done was be the hmm-hmm that he is and gained like 50 pounds!! I was so happy. Yes, I know I am still horrible. He was still as cocky as he ever was and still thought he held the world in his hand. Yay for him. The funny thing was that on the way to the wedding his son got car sick and puked all over his suit! Tee hee....So it was well worth going to that wedding, since I really HATE weddings. I know they should be fun and it's a very happy day for the bride and groom, but let's face it, the divorce percentage is high these days, so I'm supposed to go and be happy for these people that have divorce as an option the whole time they are taking vows in front of God??? I think not. Just my opinion and all.

Tomorrow is Mothers day as you all know, hopefully. If not....you are screwed. And to make my day wonderful my husband has to work. Niiice. So I am having my family over to have lunch here. Since my family is so messed up, they think that coming to visit mom at lunch time is the greateset gift they could give her, as she scurries around trying to find something to cook for everyone. So I thought I would save her the trouble and cook a meal and surprise her. How nice of me.

Today is the Heart Of Virginia Festival where the town closes down and has a big celebration for it's age I guess...they have lots to do, food, music, face painting, lots of booths selling crap. It's something to get out of the house, but since I am alone with both kids, I can't actually go and enjoy it. But tonight they are having a concert and fireworks at the airport so we'll be going to that. Lucky me, my husband runs the airport and it's free for me. There are perks afterall, huh?

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Take care!

I need a dose of reality...

2005-05-04T19:39:00.000-05:00

I have had a pretty busy week and I have felt like I am getting emotionally "strained". As many of you that are reading this may know, the TTC road is a long, winding, draining, exhausting, and sad road. Just as you think you have hit the bottom, it can always get worse. So, I was going through some old files in my computer and ran across this. Like I said, it seems as if I have hit the bottom, when suddenly I am watching this and tears are pouring. And it suddenly occurs to me that I really don't have it all that bad. Yes, I have hit a rocky patch, yes, I can over come it. If not, I will get over it. But I just thought that if you ever had a bad day, when you feel like your world is crashing, go here and know that it could be worse.

Now, with that said, if you have no heart, don't look. I am a Bush supporter, a Rebublican through and through. No I am not a political person, but I stand behind what I believe. So all of you who don't support the war or what our men are doing, don't look. And if you do look and get offended, for who knows what reason, don't complain to me....I warned you not to go there. But as for me and my family, we support our men, we support the casue, we support the troops and their families that are helping this country in need.

And by the way, have you sound turned on, it's absolutely beautiful. And pray for our troops. They are still over there, fighting for innocent people. Risking their lives for a good cause.

***Note*** I am aware that for some reason, the link is not going anywhere and I'm trying to fix it. Sorry about the problem.

2005-04-29T10:39:00.000-05:00

***Baby Houston is no longer Baby Houston....she is Baby Flower...****
...Am I sad or what???
Baby Houston, 1 day old

2005-04-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

Baby Houston and Buttercup

This is pathetic...

2005-04-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

You wanna know something terribly pathetic? It's the fact that my COW has had two babies in two years and I can't seem to get pregnant myself. I think she is over in the field chuckling at me now...."haha...You ignorant human...It's done like this." As she waddles her fat ass back down the pasture. Freggin' cow.

So that is my good news, too. My cow had another baby!! A little bull. The bad thing is that I didn't even know she was pregnant. It is a tiny little baby, too. She is a big cow anyway, so it's hard to tell when she is pregnant. But she and baby are doing fine, and I'll post pictures of the new arrival very soon.

Things here are still pretty busy. Today I am off, since I'm closed on Fridays. But tomorrow is packed again. So far I am still loving it. I am now on CD 7 and ready to start BD'ing like crazy again this month. I'm really supposed to be cleaning my house right now, since I have not had a day to myself this week, but I need to catch up on my 'compooting' too. I feel like I have neglected everyone, I haven't sent out emails in forever.

I got good news about my son this week. He will be staying in the Early Childhood Special Education class that he has been in for 3 years. I know most parents don't want their children to be retained, but that is my goal with Chandler for a few years. The class that he is supposed to be going to is a regular kindergarten class, that has tons of kids in it, all with disabilities, but none as severe as his. So they have more of a "classroom" setting. Chandler can not do that. The class he is in is more like a day care, that teaches him sharing, table manners, etc. I know most people say, at 5 he should know that stuff...Chandler has the mind of a 12 month old and probably always will, so we teach him what 1 years olds must be taught. So he is allowed to stay in his class again next year and have the same teacher, the same room, the same aide, the same everything. Routine is the key, and anyone with a child that has any kind of disability knows how important routine is. So I'm so happy he is staying. Chandlers teacher has been an angel sent from God to us. She has done so much with him since he has started school, it is very clear to me that she is not in this job for that paycheck...She truly loves her job and she loves her children. That in itself is a blessing. Not many people can do what she does every day, but she does it, and she smiles the whole time. So to all the teachers out there, thank you. In my opinion, you don't get thanked enough.

I have to go now. I have too much to do around the house to sit here all day. Have a great day!

Sorry...

2005-04-26T21:58:00.000-05:00

I realize that I have been neglecting my blog. The groom shop has been swamped with customers...little furry raggedy messes that have not seen a brush all winter... so this has been on the back burner. I am ready to start a new month of TTC and getting over the visit of AF.

I have also been working in the evenings on a new website for the groom shop. It's under construction, but take a look here.

Hope everyone is well. Take care.

She arrived...

2005-04-24T20:53:00.000-05:00

As most of you could already tell, AF arrived Saturday with her vengeance. Just in time to leave town to go to my neice's birthday party...who knew that people would take babies to a birthday party? But there seemed to be an over-abundance of them. I felt like crap, so that set my mood, and then to see these fat cheeked little smiley babies, it nearly crushed me. And I cannot even count the number of women who asked "when are you guys having another?".....I wanted to scream. So today I feel like a toad. I am so crappy feeling, so sad, and so T-totally let down, I can't even express it. I hope everyone else is doing good. I need to catch up on everyone's blogs...sorry I am behind.

And thank you for all the comments, it lets me know that people care and that I do actually have people taking their time to read my blog. And to the ladies of PW, you are my rock. Thank you.

My job

2005-04-22T16:29:00.000-05:00

This is some of my work. This is TJ before his groom....

2005-04-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

TJ after his groom...

Is this impending doom?

2005-04-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

OKay, so just as I do every other morning at 6:10 am, I wake up, cut off the alarm, then take my temperature...I was optimistic a few days ago, now I am just plain uncertain. My temps have been so good until today, and I got a dip. It's not a dip that goes bel;ow my coverline, though, so does this mean that I'll get my period tomorrow?? Anyone know? Anybody... I just don't know anymore, it all gets a little overwhelming.

I have convinced myself not to test until tomorrow when I am officially late, but don't take that as I am dead set on not testing. I have walked into that bathroom way too many times today and practically had to drag myself out. I was so unsure of waking up this morning, that I didn't hardly sleep last night. I'm sure tonight will be a re-run. If only I knew, then I could just drink myself to sleep.

It has been a really dreary day today. It's cool out and looks like rain, but none yet. The gardens could definitely use the rain. It would save me from dragging the water hose out this evening, too. We have to go to Roanoke tomorrow for a birthday party for my neice....yay. I love ebing with family, but driving two hours to spend two hours at a park for a party is not my idea of fun... forgive me.

There really isn't much here to report other than my infertility, so I will leave you to do whatever it is that you do when you don't read my blog. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

My post...

2005-04-21T17:18:00.000-05:00

I'll be amazed if this even makes it to the blog, I can't seem to get blogger to cooperate with me. So, I'll make it short and sweet. I am on CD 25 of 26, took an HPT, and got a negative...maybe it is too early still. I guess I will wait until I am officially "late" to re-test. I have lots of symptoms of being pregnant, but it could also be the evil witch ready to show her face, too. Well, wish me luck everyone!
'Nuff said....

Lazy Sunday

2005-04-17T17:51:00.000-05:00

I know I am over-analyzing everything these days, but if you'll take a look here you can see why I might be a little anal about my chart today. I am totally wishing today would hurry up and be over with just so I can wake up in the morning and see what my temp will be for tomorrow. I had the "implantation dip" that everyone refers to today. So stupid me, I go and Google "Implantation Dip"...pretty much everything I came back with was either really reassuring or really negative (that it is a myth) so I am going to stay my optimistic self today and say the dip in my temp was real good.

I got Gracie's dress made today, and I have to say I think it is too big. I was afraid of that. I know patterns tend to run large, so I will just hang it up for next year...after I hem it. But I still plan on taking a picture of it. I am pleased with it though. I just love little girls in dresses in the summer time and she loves to wear them, I guess they are cooler on her and she is my little sweat hog.

So today has been pretty lazy. Daniel had to work all day. I got pretty ticked off at PW today. People's attitudes just really shock me sometimes. Hoe dare you come on to a site like that and pretty much demand a response?? I try to reply if I know what I am talking about, but I really didn't know this girl all that well, so I didn't respond. Well, I held my tongue long enough until she really irritated me. Then I had to respond. There is no sense in acting like a child like she did. She really rubbed a lot of people the wrong way so I know it's not just me.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. I have to go and find something for dinner now. It's a late dinner time tonight since Daniel worked...yuk. Take care everyone!! And lots of baby dust*****

Just thinking...

2005-04-16T14:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here typing this while I watch my grandparents in their garden. I know that sounds corny, but my Grandad is 94, and my Grandma is 91. They are planting their garden, something they have done for their whole life. So I'm thinking to myself, do I even want to be alive when I am 94? But then I look out at them again and think, if life can be like that, then count me in. Don't get me wrong, they have their ailments, my Grandma has dementia, so she has trouble even remembering who are, but she can still get around pretty good. I will admit that they are hard people to be around. They repeat themselves so often that it is hard to even carry on a conversation with them. But just knowing that they have been blessed with such a long life, I know that God has them in his hands. My Grandad was a minister just about all his adult life. He also was a worker. I have never known anyone who can work as hard as he, and still have the energy to move in the evenings. One of his gardens is five times the size of mine, and he is out tilling it, never missing a step. I tilled my graden two days ago, and I am still having trouble lifting my arms. I guess I should be happy that both of my children know their great-grandparents. And hopefully, they will be around to see our next child. I will end with this, Phaups are known for living into their hundreds....

I am more optimistic than I have ever been about trying to get pregnant. For some reason, I really feel it this time. The bad thing is, I am just waiting for the morning to come that I wake up puking. I am sure it will happen, it alwasy does. Am I crazy for wanting that? I really don't want the sickness, but I do want the baby, and if tha is what it takes, then so be it. The biggest worry I have is how it will affect my children. Chandler did fine with my sickness when I carried Grace, he didn't seem to notice it. But I know Grace will be affected by it. I don't want her worried about me and I do want her taken care of while I am sick. I know I am overly stressing about it all. That is my nature. I am a natural born stresser. But I do feel good about this month. I know I will be testing way too early, and way too often. That is why I buy tests in mass quantities on line....

Daniel is working this weekend. And that is okay since I was running all week and didn't get a lot of house work done. Now I can catch up on it. As if I really wanted to clean all weekend. I bought some fabric yesterday and some patterns to make Gracie some dresses this summer. I hope it works out. I have not sewn anything in years, but with little of my Moms help I am sure I can get back in the swing of things. If they turn out good, I'll take some pictures and post them.

Well, I hope everyone is well, and enjoying their weekend. Let's get some BFP's aound the board!! It's about time we get some! Take care...

Wednesday's blog

2005-04-13T15:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, first and foremost, I must put in my opinion of the latest in the news.... why does this happen??? Why is it so freggin easy for Britney and not me?? We can all only imagine what kind of name she'll be calling her son...

My life has been BUSY lately. The weather has been nice, so I have taken advantage and gotten out and worked in the flower beds some. I got my garden plowed, so I can start planting in that soon, too. My Mother in law came to visit over the weekend. She watched the kids and sent Daniel and I on a date. We went shopping , to dinner and ended the night with a movie. It was such a nice day. We saw "The Wedding Date" which I thought was really cute. And we spent an ungodly amount of money while we were out. We have been talking about buying a new computer since mine just does not like to run anymore. But instead I figured we could use a video camera more, and it would be better for us in the long run. Especially now since Chandler is starting to walk, I really needed to capture that on tape, to re-live it over and over. So we splurged and bought one. I am so happy with it. And it was money well spent in my opinion.

On the trying to conceive front...I am on CD 17 today. I am officially in the two week wait, and you're darn skippy I will be a pregnancy test whore this month. I am so optimistic, I can't see straight. See, I've been temping and plugging my numbers into Fertility Friend, ( you can go to my chart here ) and this month has been a good month evidently. According to FF I ovulated on CD 13, which was Saturday...well, it just so happened that we woke up that morning and did the deed. Woo-Hoo! So I am now 4 days past ovulation, and I am waiting for any and all signs I can get. I am so excited. This is the first month that FF has been able to tell me when I am ovulating so it's a really big deal.

I had a talk with my Mom today. I finally told her that Daniel and I are trying for a baby. She got really quiet and even cried some. I know she secretly didn't want any more grandchildren, but this is our family. I am not sure why she feels that way, probably because she knows how terribly ill I get when I am pregnant. She went through the same thing. But this is what we want, and we are trying. I just asked her if she had ever had any trouble at all getting pregnant with any of us kids, and she claims she was fertile myrtle...yay. Just what I wanted to hear. So whatever problem I am having with getting pregnant is my own problem. But it was very awkward telling her that we had kept it a secret for so long, but she didn't seem to mind that. I did ask her to keep it secret from the rest of my family, I really don't need them asking all the time if I am pregnant yet. So we'll see if she holds true to her word...I can only imagine how this will all turn out. I know exactly how my family feels about us having another baby. It seems as if no one wants us to have more kids. My family is just like that. They are all miserable and want everyone else to be in their boat. (Everyone except my Dad) But I refuse to bring myself down like the rest of my family. I am currently the only one in my family that has not divorced so far. My little brother will probably never marry, he just likes being miserable with himself. I just wish they could say they are happy for me and really BE happy for me. We were all so close growing up and now as adults, it has changed so much that I cannot even explain it.

Well, I hope everyone is well. Lesley I know you are in the TWW with me, hang in there, girl, I'm here for ya! Ally, I hope everything goes well in your procedure and with DH, and you can get back on the TTC train next month. Trina, I know we don't email as often as we used to but I still really miss you and think of you all the time. And give those beautiful girls big hugs for me. Take care everyone!

2005-04-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

Heather & Daniel

2005-04-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

Gracie's first trip to the beach. Summer of 2004

2005-04-08T15:20:00.000-05:00

Gracie and I Christmas of 2003

2005-04-08T15:13:00.000-05:00

Here is a picture of Daniel and I over the holidays. Of course this is before I got all my hair cut off.

Friday!!

2005-04-08T14:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I know I have not been the best person at posting lately, but I have good excuses. Lots of excuses. First and foremost, I am potty training Gracie....how time consuming is that??? No one ever told me how hard that really is. She has a stubborn little head on her shoulders (gee, I wonder who she got that from) and she really likes to pretend that she doesn't know what the potty is for. She selectively forgets that she is supposed to go use it. AGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Anyway that is a pretty good excuse. Other than that, I just have not been real motivated to get on the computer lately.

I have to say this, it is always great to hear from old friends. I finally heard from an old friend today and it was great. I really miss you alot, in more ways than you know. It seems to have been an eternity since we last saw each other. I hate that. But I am glad to know everything is going well for you and you are doing good. Now lets stay in touch!!

I am so glad that it is Friday. It has been a long week. Tomorrow my mother in law is coming to stay with the kids so Daniel and I can have a day out. If I can keep from feeling guilty for leaving the kids, it may be fun. We'll probably have to go to Lynchburg since there is nothing in this town. But we may catch a movie or something. There really aren't many movies playing that I want to see right now, but maybe we can find some cheap theatre that is showing older movies. There are quite a few older ones that I would like to see.

I am on CD 12 now and I think I may have ovulated today. My temp spiked this morning, so we'll see. I know they say that if you have sex "before" ovulation it is most likely going to be a girl, sinec well, we all know girlie sperm are stronger than boys. That's why we as women can have babies and our hubbies just watch. I won't go any further into that. But we have been baby dancing every other day so hopefully, something took. If not.......shit.

I've been trying to do my spring cleaning today, but as you can see I am on the computer now. I get side tracked so easily. But I figure the house has to be spotless for the mommy in law or else she will say something, so why give her the chance. I have already pruned all my plants and made sure they all have just the right amount of water in them, so she can do the finger check to make sure I am doing a good job of keeping my plants alive. FYI, she works in a greenhouse and is a genious about plants...ever hear of keeping your mouth shut about your knowledge???

I'm thinking about having our pictures made tomorrow while we are out. Daniel and I have not had our pictures done since before I got pregnant with Chandler so it is about time. I would love to have family pics done, but we'll have to see about that. Chandler hates having his picture taken professionally. I don't blame him, they want him to sit there perfactly still for so long and he can't understand that.

Well, I am about out of info for the day. I have to get back to cleaning sometime today. Gracie is watching JoJo's Circus and Chandler is napping. I hope everyone is well and hasa great weekend!!

I'm still in a mood...

2005-03-29T14:51:00.000-05:00

I guess tonight, I will be taking Lesley's words of advice and I am going to order myself a pizza, drink myself something strong enough just to get a good buzz on, and then watch myself some sappy movies that would make my husband want to vomit. I know I said I would cut his hair tonight, but what's one more day? I am in no mood to cut his hair anyway.

My Mom, get this, has never pumped gas in her life. EVER. She has always told us as we were growing up that it is not a womans place to pump gas...whatever. Back here in reality, I pump my own gas for my own van. So she has the nerve to call me this morning ( in the midst of our not speaking to each other) and say that she needs to go pick up Joshie dearest (my little punk brother) and she is almost out of gas....here's comes the favor. Can you go pump my gas for me while I watch the kids for you? Okay, so you are too good to pump gas, but your pathetic excuse for a daughter can pump your gas??? Oh I was furious. But rather than fight with her, I accept her job offer and go pump gas and come back unhamed, unashamed and very proud that I am WOMAN enough to pump my own GAS. ROOOAAARRRRR, (banging fists on chest) in case you have not picked up on my tone so far, I am REALLY IN A MOOD.

I have decided, you know what's worse than Aunt Flo showing up? Day 2 of Aunt Flo. Day one she is just working herself into my schedule, day 2 she is here for the long haul. And it is B-A-D
bad, bad. But by day 3, the hormones are in check, acne at bay, and my mood hopefully will be a lot better. I know that I am blaming my period for a lot of my mood, which it is not completely the reason. I am going through one of the toughest times of my life right now, I cannot even write about it. I know that it is driving me into a depression that I don't even want to recognize. I am eating non-stop, crying non-stop and I have no faith in anything at this point. I'm struggling to keep my sanity, to keep it together, and to stay afloat. Everything I ever had with my family, is gone. I feel so betrayed, I may not ever come out of this.

Okay so it is now Tuesday night and I am just finishing this post, but I had to stop or else I was headed somewhere I didn't want to be. As of now, I am LOADED. I read that Lesley said to eat pizza and drink, so I did so. And it really only takes very little for me to get drunk off of. But, I feel no pain. And I am going to bed. Now, at approximately 9 pm. What a dork. But the room is spinning too much for me right now. Nighty night.

In a funk...

2005-03-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

So I am going about my daily business, laundry, cleaning, chasing after the kids when guess who knocks? Aunt Flo has arrived. Without a freggin invitation! And to top it all off, she shows on cycle day 22!!! What is that all about? Oh well, she's here. Lets just get it over with. It has rained so hard today I think we are just going to wash away. Oh well, it suits my mood.

I'm sitting here typing this knowing full well that I should be preparing dinner, or finishing the laundry, or doing anything more productive, but it's not like the work won't be here when I am done. And thanks to the rain, the satellite is now out, so I can't even watch Jeff Corwin. So go ahead and laugh, I think he's cute. And not to mention that we share a special love for animals. He just happens to like the creepy ones. He reminds me of a friend that I had in high school, his looks, they are just identical! Weird.

Anyway, Easter was...weird. We went to my Moms, and there was SO much tension. I didn't have much to say, nor did she. She did however pick up on the tension between she and my husband and went to him crying and hugged him to get things straight, but never a word to me. And it was quite obvious that the rest of the family picked up on the problem between us. Oh well. I'm tired of pretending that I have no feelings and that anyone can do anything to me and it just rolls right off. I wish I were that tough, but I am not. So, with that said, Easter was way weird.

I kind of wish that I was in a better mood today. It's not fair that this is Chandlers first day of spring break and I'm in this funk. From the way it looks on PW, I'm not the only one that feels bitchy. But as much as I hate to say, I feel like we are entitled to feel bitchy on occasion. I love Ally's blog today. It so suited my mood. It's as if we are just put take care of people. Yes, I love my family, but whatever happened to people taking some responsibility and helping out? I get tired of cooking, and cleaning and doing laundry. I know Daniel gets tired of working every day, but he has 8 hours, then he puts his feet up. I go from when I get out of bed in the morning till when I go to bed at night. I'm not saying I don't take breaks, because I do, but keeping a house going and a husband and two kids going is not easy. You may as well say I have three kids. They are all very dependant on me. I have always said I like to take care of people, I like to be a nurturer. But I like to take care of people who TRY to take care of themselves. Oh well, I could ramble about this for the next week.

I had to rearrange the furniture in Chandlers room this evening. Now since he can walk around on his knees everywhere, he is getting so tall and he is very top-heavy. And he loves windows. He loves to go and bang on them, lean on them, bang his head on them, you name it. So, in fear that one of these days he will be strong enough to break the glass, we had to move his furniture around so that the window is not accesible anymore. I love the light that it lets in, but his safety is number 1. We hung some stuff from the ceiling to help get his mind off of the change so much. He gets really stressed out with change. Hopefully, he will wake up in the morning and like the change. Or else it could be a long day...

I hope everyone's week is good, and hopefully I will be able to post a more cheery message tomorrow. Who knows, maybe this is "my month" to get pregnant and I will have that first baby of the year...right-o. I can picture it now, first baby of the year's picture in the "Farmville Herald" the newspaper that is only published twice a week in this podunk town. Nice. Hey, I guess I should be greatful that we have a paper.

As my good friend Tigger would say....TTFN!

2005-03-26T14:13:00.000-05:00

Coloring Easter eggs!

2005-03-26T14:10:00.000-05:00

Chandler decorating eggs.

2005-03-26T14:09:00.000-05:00

The artist.

2005-03-26T14:05:00.000-05:00

Coloring Easter eggs!

Happy Easter!

2005-03-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

I am hoping that each and every one of you has a wonderful Easter, and gets lots of chocolates, and don't gain a pound! We opted out of candy this year, except for a little that my Mom and I made for the kids. So instead of candy, I bought little debbie's, and some healthy things. My kids have enough energy without sugar. And Chandler does not do well with chocolate, so hopefully it will be a good alternative.

The weather is nasty. It is cool and rainy, and yucky. So much for playing outdoors. I still have no idea if I am going to my Moms for Easter. We had a bit of a "falling out" today and it has gotten pretty bad. I know this is not the time to be fighting with your parents right here at Easter, but I have been hurt so bad today that I don't know if I will ever get over it. I am not going into the what's and why's. I don't think I can without breaking down and crying again, and my head can't take nay more crying right now. It feels like it is going to explode as it is.

On the TTC front, I am on CD20. Fertility Friend said a few days ago that I had ovulated on Monday, then the next day it changed it and said I did not ovulate. Hmmm.......? Oh well, we'll figure it out sometime.

Have a great weekend everyone!

I'm finally updating

2005-03-22T14:27:00.000-05:00

It has been a while since I have even been online, for time enough to do anything. I try to read blogs, and lurk on PW for a while, only to be torn from the computer to take care of kids. Let's see, where do I begin? Both kids are sick again. They both got a nasty case of diarrhea a couple of weeks ago. I can handle it for a few weeks, then it's off to the doctor. But to back up befor ethe doctor visit. On Sunday, Gracie woke up and threw up. So we felt her and her fever was at 102.6. Gave her med's and she went right back to sleep after her bath. Then Da iel woke her up rom her nap and yelled for me to come look at her. She had these welts all over her arms and fronts of her legs and the backs of her legs looked sunburnt. And she was itching like crazy. Lucky for us, my parents were having compnay over and the guy is a doctor. So I called him and asked him to take a look at her before we rush off to the ER on a Sunday afternoon. She was acting fie, other than itching, so he said just take her to the doctor Monday. We waited it out all night, and the spots only grewa and spread over just about her whole body. I'm not talking like chicken pox, I am talking nickel to quarter size swollen welts. So Monday morning, they both still had the diarrhea, and Gracie's spots has gone away during the night. I was still going to call the doctor about the poopie problem. First thing Monday morning, her spots came back slowly but surely. So I got them in at 10:15 to see the doctor. It tunrs out that Grcaie is having an allergic reaction to who knows what, she has an ear infection in her left ear, that is causing the fever, that is causing the diarrhea. Which in turn led to increased heart rate which led to quick breathing, which led to more breathing treatments which led to a terribly behaved little girl. Chandler has the same old problem he always gets. He has no good bacteria so they put him back on the "good bacteria" medicine and it should be fixed in a few days. Then after that appt, we went to his other doctor who is the developmental pediatrician. She is setting us up with aquatics therapy during the summer!! He loves the water and I think it would be a great opportunity to get in some physical therapy while he is in the water. She also recommended we have him tested for a wheat allergy, that could be the cause of all this recurring diarrhea. So off we went to the lab to get blood drawn. he was such a little man and did so well for it.

After all this, I am coming down with yet another cold, which this time I feel for sure is allergies. So I will get to go see the doctor and get some more meds for allergies. Yay.

So for those of you who are actually still reading after all the grossly mentioned stuff, you are a real trooper. Thanks for stopping by.

A TTC note, I am on CD 16 and waiting to O any day now...if my body wants to. I am totally in the swing of getting up at 6:10 am every morning, sticking the thermometer in my mouth then going stright back to sleep. No problem at all anymore.

The weather is gorgeous here today but suppose to rain tonight. I hope we have a nice Easter so the kids can get outside and look for eggs but we'll see. Any big plans for Easter out there? My Mom has hinted that she is making a big dinner for anyone who wants to stop by for the day, but has yet to invite me...so like her. She has a knack for inviting the poor "I don't want to keep a job" siblings of mine, but for those of us who can keep jobs and pay our bills, and have stable lives, we are usually excluded from most things like that. Sorry, just venting.

I hope everyone is good, and staying well. Take care!

I should be sleeping...

2005-03-15T21:30:00.000-05:00

I know I should be taking advantage of this quiet time and go to bed, but I need to blog. This rotten cold that I have had forever has officially turned into a sinus infection. My head feels like someone took a hammer to it during the night last night. And I so love sinus infections...there isn't anything much worse than one.

I have not been on much lately, between feeling sick and Gracie taking up most of my time, my days are full. And the puppy training is still in full swing. I guess I had forgotten how time consuming that can be.

Chandler's walking is still going real well. He still has good days and bad. And of course, he can't walk any at all without his braces, but that's what we got them for. He is still so proud of himself. And even at 2, Gracie seems to know what is going on and she seems to be just as proud of him as we are.

It is supposed to snow in the morning. Daniel was awfully nice this morning and took my morning to put Chandler on the bus, since I am not feeling good. Hopefully he will tomorrow also. It is terrible getting up at 6 and going out in the cold when you are already freezing to death. I'm such a baby when I'm sick.

On the TTC front, I am on CD 9 and just waiting to ovulate...if that day ever comes. The charting is okay, not much change. I take my temp every morning, and that minute or so that it takes seems to be an eternity. But I guess it will be worth it in the long run. I really need to get myself an alarm clock. Right now I am using my cell phone. Daniel has an alarm, but he keeps it set for when he has to get up for work. Anyway, the cell phone has no volume on the alarm...and let me tell you, I nearly hit the ceiling when the thing goes off. It's probably so startling that it's making my temp rise and get my chart all screwed up. I have always said there is nothing worse than being woke up by an alarm clock. It's enough to stop my heart.

Daniel is on spring break from school this week, but of course has been doing homework all night. He is way to dedicated. Reason #1 why I don't go to college. I have no motivation, no dedication, no drive, no nothing. I'll be so happy when he graduates in May.

I was just starting to panic that my groom shop had completely stopped business this month, when just today I got 3 phone calls. I have 3 grooms this weekend, two consultations next week and a groom on the 28th. Whew, enough to pay the bill. Nice. My advertisement (Pampered Paws) in the newspaper this week was put in a really good location, and that may help a lot. Okay, so it is not the greatest and most extravagant ad you may have ever seen, but for this town that's all you need. Anything more than that, and you exceed their attention span.

Lesley, I am glad to see you back online. I know how a "break" sometime's is much needed. Wyoming, I hope you have a safe and fun trip this week. Roanoke, I hope you are doing okay. I tried emailing you the other day and it got sent back...are you okay? Or did you just finally quit that hell hole? I miss you and I hope the pregnancy is going well. And Indiana, geez, I miss talking to you. I need to catch up...it's been too long. Everyone else, take care and have a great week.